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[–]armesfischlein 5213 points5214 points  (51 children)

Thank you for saying this, and I'm very sorry for your loss. I just realized that I actively shy away from pictures, and that photos of many places I've been to or things I've done (trips, celebrations etc.) don't have me in them at all. This post will definitely change that, flaws be damned! Thank you.

[–]alexsangthat[S] 2024 points2025 points  (34 children)

Just think about how when you look at pictures of your loved ones, are you focusing on flaws, do you even see them? Or do you just see someone you love? It’s the same for your loved ones, I promise you!

[–]weezerbean 572 points573 points  (16 children)

Your comment made me tear up. I lost my mom 12 years ago and I promise things do get easier. I’m sorry you don’t have many photos to remember her by 😢 take care.

[–]rowdymonster 164 points165 points  (15 children)

Damn, I lost my dad 12 years ago, to the day, and he was usually the one behind the camera, so I don't have a ton of photos of him. This hits hard. Same as not being able to find all the old home video footage, even if the tape hasn't degraded to the point of being useless and unable to be saved and made digital. What I'd give to have one make it, and hear his voice and laugh one more time.

[–]MyNewPhilosophy 29 points30 points  (7 children)

Lost my dad 35 years ago. We never did home movies. He was usually the family photographer. Friends and coworkers were kind enough to share pictures they took but it wasn’t much. One of the picture we have is his reflection in a window as he took a picture of mom.

[–]rowdymonster 17 points18 points  (5 children)

Damn, I'm so sorry :c I at least lucked out and there's a few pics of mine. It's a deeper pain than I expected, so I can only imagine having nothing of yours.

Edit: One of my fav pics of him, in his memory http://imgur.com/a/UMOBQbk

[–]arcastoo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Awesomely 'having fun' photo. Thanks for sharing.

[–]feleia209 2 points3 points  (3 children)

He looked like a fun outdoors, who cares if your dirty, don't tell mom I let you have ice cream... For breakfast type of Dad. Sorry for your lost

[–]888MadHatter888 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I would give anything, and I mean anything, to hear my mom and dad's voices one more time. To know that I never will just cuts to the bone.

[–]arcastoo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My deepest sympathy.

[–]arcastoo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This brought me to tears thinking of my dad. I gotta go find the old Hi8 tapes.

Thankyou.

[–]Lightless_meow 50 points51 points  (0 children)

You seem like a very nice and thoughtful person OP, thanks for taking the time to spread your kind words to us strangers on the internet :)

[–]JumpB4ImPushed 48 points49 points  (1 child)

I never thought about this. I've always been the one taking the pictures. There are hardly any with me in them. I can't fix the history but I can do better in the time I've got left. Thank you so much for saying this. I'll be gone some time next year, hopefully not sooner. I've asked online for advice from people who've lost people. Some said leave messages but none said make sure there are pictures. Thank you on behalf of my kids.

[–]WeAreDestroyers 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry about your future. Another great piece of advice I've read is to film yourself talking about your life story - what you know about your parents and grandparents (names, places they lived, where they worked) as well as the same details for you, and anything else of interest or just details of who you are. Pets you owned, why you chose living in X over Y, why you chose the names you gave your kids, things you're proud of etc.

It helps to preserve you, but also your familiar history. A lot of the every day is lost when someone passes, and some of it can't be regained through documentation or photographs.

Best of luck with the time you have left. I hope it's blessed, happy, and full of love.

[–]thegirlfromthestars 19 points20 points  (2 children)

I have almost no pics of me smiling or at all from 5th grade to like 24. I was the same; thought I was too ugly or fat or whatever. My current partner is a photographer who makes me feel so beautiful. It’s such a difference. ❤️

[–]katie4 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Yes!! I did a big decluttering project of old photos and I threw away so many pictures of random coastlines and zoo animals, the pictures that I kept all had my family and friends in them!

[–]michaelanicole- 51 points52 points  (4 children)

You are beautiful just the way you are and the people that love you can see that ❤️

[–]armesfischlein 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Thank you for saying this, it should be said way more often!

[–]DurianExecutioner 16 points17 points  (1 child)

I just want to add a different but complementary perspective.

My mother had severe body image issues for her entire life as a result of childhood sexual abuse and as a result never wanted to be in photographs. I'm glad that you are able to re-appraise your shyness, but not everyone can do so, and that's OK. None of us know what others are dealing with and we are all different.

[–]armesfischlein 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Of course, my comment is only my own, personal experience, and I am lucky that my reluctance stems from much milder body image issues. Many others will have completely valid reasons of their own to not want to be in photographs, and that's okay. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

[–]puppylust 790 points791 points  (8 children)

I hated being in pictures. My husband passed away last month and we have so very few pictures together. Mostly I have our wedding. I wish I had more.

I've found comfort going through his phone. The camera roll is selfies, our pets, and food he cooked. I saved video of him checking the mail and taking out the trash from our doorbell camera.

[–]sewing06 282 points283 points  (4 children)

In case you haven't yet, get that thing backed up somewhere you have access to. Not in a week's time, as soon as you can arrange it.

[–]wysiwywg 107 points108 points  (3 children)

This! Back up those pics on 2 or even 3 different spots, Memory stick, Google, whatever.. make backups.

[–]PilotPen4lyfe 36 points37 points  (0 children)

And physical! Harder to lose in some ways.

[–]trippnballs 26 points27 points  (1 child)

Please get a hard drive or long term storage tape (not SSD or memory stick!) when storing data long term. The problem is flash memory starts corrupting after about a decade.

[–]xionuk 37 points38 points  (0 children)

If your lucky, some of them might be Live Photos and you’ll get little snippets of his life in those moments.

My partner passed back in April and the Live Photos have been amazing for seeing those wee moments of him laughing or grinning like an idiot and hearing that moment.

[–]CurryMustard 36 points37 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry for your loss.

[–]seasonsofwither77 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[–]justasithlord 10.2k points10.2k points  (153 children)

I don't like how I look and have actively been avoiding taking pictures since some time now. This is definitely gonna change that. I'm sorry for your loss, and thank you for posting this. I hope you have a great life ahead.

[–]alexsangthat[S] 2745 points2746 points  (74 children)

I feel it’s something people tend to not think of, even us growing up we just thought it was a funny quirk of hers, we didn’t consider that it meant having no pictures of her after she is gone. It’s never too late to start though so I’m happy you plan to!!

[–]ArazNight 719 points720 points  (38 children)

As a mom, this has totally changed my view on photos. I’m ALWAYS the one behind the camera. Thank you for changing my perspective of my body that has birthed 3 children and definitely doesn’t look like a super model.

[–]trenlow12 269 points270 points  (3 children)

Almost no one looks like a supermodel. That's why they're called supermodels and not "average looking people."

[–]schadavi 116 points117 points  (2 children)

Even the supermodels don't look like supermodels from other angles.

[–]NonStopKnits 174 points175 points  (0 children)

"Super model" or not, you can still be a super mom, and being in pictures instead of just behind the camera is great. I love looking at pics of my mom and me and my siblings all together.

[–]bowdenta 64 points65 points  (12 children)

My wife used to hate that she was always behind the camera. Now anytime she starts taking them, I'll have my phone ready to make sure I finish her off.

Edit: it's just basically common decency.

[–]whatshamilton 78 points79 points  (6 children)

My older brother always brings a camera to family events. I think it's a way to deal with social anxiety, having something to do, but he always lets me take the camera from him and get at least one picture of him. The photographer deserves to be documented.

[–]NaturalThunder87 36 points37 points  (5 children)

This is me. My wife is always in the pictures, I became the "picture taker" in our marriage, mostly as a way to avoid having to make smalltalk and socialize nonstop when we have larger family gatherings. Now, the most recent one I really regret when my daughter had her

EDIT: I really appreciate the 24 upvotes even though I inexplicably left a sentence unfinished.

[–]Ealantair 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Would you care to continue sentence? I'm personally rather curious and I'm surprised that no one else has commented as such.

[–]NaturalThunder87 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Sure! I remember now why I stopped the sentence. We had her 4th birthday party this week. In total, there was 13 people at our house for the party: my parents, my wife's parents, my brother and his wife and their son, and my grandparents, and of course my wife and I and our two kids. I realized I might get some judgement for having so many people at our house because of Covid. However, my parents are retired and at home all the time, my grandparents are in their 80s and they don't go anywhere, y brother and his wife are also teachers and they've been strict about staying home, and my wife's parents are able to work from home. So everyone we had at our house has been quarantining really well since March.

Point being, to finish my sentence...during my daughter's birthday party I was "the man behind the camera". We have a shared Google Photos drive for the family so everyone can have instant access to pictures no matter when it is and where they are. As I was uploading all the pictures from my camera to the Google Photos drive, I was only in one of the dozens of pictures. This thread made me realize I don't want my kids to be grown and realize dad is pretty much never in pictures.

[–]DeathcampEnthusiast 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Every woman loves a man who finishes her off, unless it’s in Mortal Kombat.

[–]9bikes 4 points5 points  (0 children)

to make sure I finish her off

That sounds a little extreme.

[–]carpesdiems 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You finish your wife off with a phone? must have a bloody rapid vibrate on ring.

[–]AGuyInUndies 2 points3 points  (0 children)

to make sure I finish her off

Giggidy

[–]CoVidiianPhage 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Just do the classic change out, you take one of the kids and dad (or whoever) and then have them take one with you and the kids.

[–]Iknitstuff 3 points4 points  (1 child)

We have the kids take pictures of just the adults too sometimes!

[–]Shaysdays 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Same here, which is why whenever I see a mom (or dad) in public taking pictures of her family, I ask if she would like everyone in the picture and I’ll take it for her.

[–]asianingermany 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I feel you. I care for my daughter 24/7 but there’s more pictures of her doing things with her dad afterwork/on the weekends...

[–]ana_berry 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Me too. My husband is just not a picture-taker, and I was kinda sad the other day thinking if I died unexpectedly there's like no photos of just me and my kids together.

[–]justasithlord 147 points148 points  (2 children)

I can only imagine how hard it must have felt while trying to find pictures. I never really thought of it like that, I'll definitely be taking a whole lot with my friends and family.

[–]WeAreDestroyers 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I saw this advice a few years ago, and shortly after my sister's best friend passed away unexpectedly. Between those events, I have made a huge effort to get a photo with every person I cared about from then on, whether or not they ended up staying in my life. I'm still glad I did, and continue to do so.

[–]justasithlord 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think I'm gonna do the same. We or our loved ones can go away any moment, having these memories photographed would really be priceless.

[–]regoapps 41 points42 points  (3 children)

You should be taking video as well. I have pics of my dad who passed away, but I don’t have his voice. And I’m starting to forget what he sounds like.

[–]James_Skyvaper 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Thanks for pointing this out. I realized recently that I need to make some videos of my mom. She is the most important person the world to me and I will be absolutely devastated when she's gone. I was looking thru pics and stuff and realized I don't have a single video of my mom. I can't imagine forgetting what she sounds like. I'm so sorry that you lost your dad, there's nothing more painful than losing a parent or child.

[–]ms-tsunami 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I learned this lesson the hard way 5 years ago when my son was murdered. He was 23 and there were only a handful of photos that had me in them and only ONE where he was an adult and it was so blurry I was unrecognizable. I changed my ways hard and now insert myself into photo opportunities. Funny thing is once I let go of the misguided vanity and fussiness about looking goofy so many more photos turn out looking good. I want the generations that come after me to be able to see the resemblances that get passed down. We love seeing old photos of ancestors and it had not occurred to me I had removed myself from important family documentation until we didn’t have photos for my sons funeral. Take heed people. Love while you can.

[–]InhaleMyHate 2 points3 points  (6 children)

When you're as deformed as i am, trust me you don't need any pics of yourself, no1 is ever gonna want them or need them anyway, my only 2-3 pics are on reddit

[–]rosapompomgirlande 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I used to have anorexia and struggled (and still struggle) with body dysmorphia. I was always scared of looking huge in pictures, so I avoided them. There is not one single photo of me and my dad on our only vacation together. It took looking back years later to realise I was far from fat and ugly - and even if I had been fat and ugly, I would give anything to have a photo now.

The sad thing is I'm fully aware I might regret it down the line and I still can't bring myself to be photographed.

[–]NearbyCitron 78 points79 points  (6 children)

Instead of focusing on how I look, I try to see my expression or remember the scenario. Maybe someone told a joke and it’s a candid photo. Maybe I’m with my best friends at a party, maybe I’m with my partner doing what we love. Stoking those emotions makes me feel better about the physical appearance, even if I look doofy.

[–]justasithlord 19 points20 points  (2 children)

That's a really good idea, I'll definitely try it out, thanks

[–]NearbyCitron 9 points10 points  (1 child)

It takes some time, for sure. But you’re welcome!

[–]mandukeb 118 points119 points  (11 children)

I agree. This post just changed my mind as well! My mom even complained years ago that she never sees pictures of me on my Facebook page.

[–]justasithlord 44 points45 points  (8 children)

Same, I only have a handful of images of myself, just keep that one image everywhere as my profile pic. It's hard to deal with the body image issues, I have only started to acknowledging it since a week or so now.

[–]Amathya 16 points17 points  (5 children)

Good luck on your path of being happy in your own skin! It can be hard but also rewarding.

[–]justasithlord 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Thank you, it's a long one but I'm sure it's gonna be worth it

[–]amandawinit247 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I dont think you have to put your photos up to be seen by everyone, if your mom wants pics you can always just give her the ones you take. When other people take pictures, I dont usually have an issue unless they were going to post them and I’m like noooo. My family can see my pictures, just not random people who I dont want to see me

[–]JackPoe 47 points48 points  (4 children)

I've been ugly my whole life but it makes my wife happy. So I deal with it.

[–]Nohomobutimgay 18 points19 points  (3 children)

Ugly can be sexy. I am drawn toward "unattractive," though I think that undoes the meaning of ugly. It's all relative and based on standards, and fuck standards.

[–]TheRealLaura789 29 points30 points  (8 children)

I can relate. My mom is obsessed with taking pictures, and I also cringe on how I look in pictures. She always reminds me of memories, but my lack of self-confidence doesn’t allow me to see myself as pretty. Taking pictures is hard when you are ugly.

[–]kamelizann 30 points31 points  (1 child)

I hated pictures as a kid. I always thought I was fat and ugly idk why. Then I was going through some of my stuff and found some pictures from when I was like 15 and I looked like a normal kid. Nothing particularly unphotogenic. Made me really think about the body dysmorphia I've had my entire life.

[–]Peanut_milkshake 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Its amazing how tainted your view of yourself is and how people fail to see themselves positively or even realistically. I wish I had more photos of myself as a teenager. I absolutely hated the way I looked so the few photos I do have are very posed and at things like prom and I don't look like me. I was convinced I was far and ugly and now those photos I do have it just looks like a bit chubby and it doesn't match with my self image at the time at all. I wish I had taken photos of just me being young and chilling out with my friends and the stupid clothes I loved and all that stuff. You just look like you and someday you will be an older you wanting to remember what it was like to be young.

[–]Mariiriini 12 points13 points  (1 child)

I think of it like this. I've taken pictures of my in-laws and their parents covertly. The parents were too embarrassed by their appearance. Not perfectly made up and youthful looking at late 80s.

But to me, they look amazing. They're vibrant, laughing, compassionate. I can see their love to their children in every photo I took. I showed them one, and they were torn between hating how they looked and wanting a picture with their son.

To my fiance and my dad, that's how they think about the pictures I burnt and deleted. They don't see an overweight stressed fatigued goblin, they see a daughter or a life partner. They see me, vibrant and glowing as we discussed our favorite topics or played a favorite game together. I don't see it, but they cherish those photos.

I put aside my discomfort because I love my family, and my family loves those pictures of me. Someday I hope I see myself the way they see me.

[–]tHEgAMER09 7 points8 points  (0 children)

True. I only take them just to mock myself haha.

[–]justasithlord 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel like my self-confidence has basically always made me throw myself in the trash and be like "there you go buddy, now you're with your kind". Pretty hard to work on, but I'm glad I'm finally doing it.

[–]d_frost 22 points23 points  (1 child)

I use to avoid it also, untill years back I was going through pictures of a great trip friends and I took to Italy, and there wasn't a single picture of me. I had lots of pictures of my friends at all the sights, and bars and everything we did, but I was nowhere to be found, almost like I wasn't even there. Since then I happily take pictures

[–]justasithlord 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hindsight is amazing

[–]TREVORtheSAXman 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Yeah when I was you get and through my teens I always hated photos but now in my mid 20s with all my cousins grown up too it's great to look back at when it was easier for us to all get the family together. Glad my mom forced me into so many photos!

[–]proudbakunkinman 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Yeah, same though for me, it was mostly in my head. I'd compare my limited photos to others and think they were all so much better looking.

The issue was more that I had barely any photos (avoiding photos, not requesting others take them of me, and not taking selfies) and they were like 1 take or taken when I wasn't really expecting while most people, at least since we've had digital cameras, take many photos of themself and just choose the best looking ones out of those.

I try to do that more now but at the same time, know it's nearly impossible for me to look good taking a selfie due to the limitations of the phone camera and the structure of my face giving a really inaccurate impression (in terms of skin tone, proportions, and depth, in a negative way). I doubt I am alone and is probably one reason for the popularity of color and face filters. So I try to get more taken by others when I get a chance.

[–]myballsitch69 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It's no big deal, just no one will remember you when you die.

[–]etflyingmonkey 465 points466 points  (42 children)

shit i wish i could not feel uncomfortable in pictures. it bugged my ex to no end. I don't think im ugly i just have an aversion to them. I also hate forcing a smile.

[–]alexsangthat[S] 231 points232 points  (23 children)

They don’t even have to be posed or have you smiling! Candid photos are the best because they capture true emotion and a real, unplanned, organic moment

[–]herb_Tech 119 points120 points  (14 children)

I don’t mind candid pictures most of the time. But I can’t stand being asked to stop what I’m doing to cheese it for the camera.

[–]ProbablyPissed 69 points70 points  (12 children)

This is my issue with people who love taking pictures(like my gf). They always wants to tripod and pose, or point it at me and have me pose. And I hate it. Just whip out your camera when you see a good moment and snap the picture. Don’t ask me to be your model, because that makes me feel awkward, and candid photos are almost always better anyway.

[–]lover_of_pancakes 25 points26 points  (4 children)

As someone else who feels incredibly awkward posing, something that helped me is to do something absolutely ridiculous instead of trying to look cool. It changes the goal of the picture so I don't get self-conscious about how I look (if I'm trying to look stupid, and I look like an idiot, then I succeeded!) and I've always enjoyed looking back at funny pictures more anyway.

[–]ProbablyPissed 17 points18 points  (3 children)

Yeah that’s absolutely my tactic as well. But I’d still prefer the photographer who captures the moment rather than trying to create it. It feels superficial.

[–]xdonutx 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Right? How many pictures do you need of you and your family smiling awkwardly while perched at uncomfortable angles around a dinner table? You're not capturing a memory, you're capturing the interruption of a memory.

[–]ProbablyPissed 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're not capturing a memory, you're capturing the interruption of a memory.

I love that. Great way to put it.

[–]TommiHPunkt 4 points5 points  (1 child)

it's the opposite for me, I wish people stopped posing and fake smiling for pictures.

[–]9TyeDie1 25 points26 points  (1 child)

I love taking pictures of my wife when she doesn't know it. I don't do it to gloat or tease but... we both hate pictures, and I want to see her. Maybe that's an Idea, for some... take pictures of loved ones candidly, those are the best anyway.

[–]tHEgAMER09 9 points10 points  (5 children)

Try squinting your eyes while smiling. It makes the smile look more natural.

[–]etflyingmonkey 18 points19 points  (3 children)

I already have a serial killer resting face, when I try to do things like that with my face i just look in pain or worse. believe me I've tried all the tricks. its just putting my fave in a fake emotion for a picture always makes it look uncomfortable somehow but thanks for the suggestion

[–]Holy_Sungaal 303 points304 points  (6 children)

This was an issue when my cousin passed. We have one photo of him and my mom who was like a mother to him. One picture someone took while opening presents at Christmas. They were sitting next to each other and he was laughing. He was such a morose teen, I felt like I never saw him laugh, but that picture is a family favorite.

[–]alexsangthat[S] 101 points102 points  (2 children)

I bet that picture is absolutely treasured, I’m so happy you have it

[–]Holy_Sungaal 55 points56 points  (0 children)

It’s crazy how one moment can mean so much when it wasn’t even noticed at the time

[–]Ctrl_Shift_ZZ 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Ill probably be down voted for this, but Imo that’s what makes that photo worth a lot more.

Someone once told me “the less photos of you that exists makes the few that do, worth a lot more.”

In this modern age of selfies and social media, i hold strongly to those words. Having a bunch of “good” selfies of a deceased means very little, compared to a handful of candid shots that can actually invoke a precious memory.

My SO of 5 years only have about 8 total photos of us together, and each one is taken at a special event, time, and/or place, and its what really makes those pictures mean a lot to us. I could care less about all the scenic places or food picture of the same event or place, because the single photo of us together will just as easily bring out all the memories of everything else.

[–]imwearingredsocks 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I see your point, and even though I don’t view it that way, I do agree that the few pictures will feel more special.

For me, it’s videos that I find to be irreplaceable. Just videos of everyday life or a random moment with family. Looking back on them can be sad when loved ones have passed, but it’s almost cathartic to see that little time capsule of a happy time.

My SO won’t let me take videos of him, so I just sneak them. He laughs later though. It’s worth it.

[–]TheRaunchyFart 165 points166 points  (22 children)

I have the opposite problem as a photographer. I took pictures of my family because nobody else would. In turn I don't get my picture taken with anybody unless I nag them for hours and have to do it with a timer/tripod

[–]HolyBatTokes 85 points86 points  (7 children)

Same. It’s why I take umbrage at the idea that selfies are somehow inherently narcissistic. Sometimes I‘m just the only subject and the only photographer.

[–]Human-Carpet-6905 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Yeah I got over my shame about taking selfies with my kids when I realized I had tons of them with their dad and grandma and only like 3 with me, even though I'm with them 80% of the time.

[–]Trump_has_alzheimers 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I definitely don't think a selfie is inherently narcissistic, context matters and people have been taking pictures of themselves since cameras were invented, it's a pretty natural thing.

[–]theangrybeige 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I'm the same, I'm not a photographer, but I'm always the one taking photos of everything I want to remember, everyone in my close family has at least 10 photos I've taken of them with my kids, I have very few photos of myself and the kids apart from selfies and they just aren't the same!

[–]punfull 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah there aren't many pictures of me, but it's because I take pictures of everyone but nobody thinks to take pictures of me.

[–]lau80 219 points220 points  (4 children)

My mom was the exact same way, for the same reasons. About a year after her death, I was watching old videos we made. Came across a Christmas morning video and she was trying to get out of frame. My brother shouted from behind the camera, "stop, cause one day you're gonna be dead and this is the only way we'll see you!"

Got reallll quiet in the room after that.

I have 3 kids and I make sure to be in pictures even though I look like I got hit with a bag of what-the-fuck, because I doubt I'll make it another 10 years anyway.

[–]Chonguh 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Your brother sounds like he’s a smart guy!! hopefully your mom was more accepting of pictures/vids after this.:)

[–]superfucky 29 points30 points  (2 children)

one day you're gonna be dead and this is the only way we'll see you!

if it were me i would have immediately bolted for the bedroom and locked the door until i was presentable to the public. i don't want my kids' only way of seeing me to be braless in ratty stained pajamas and a sloppy mom bun.

I look like I got hit with a bag of what-the-fuck

this made me laugh out loud and i'm stealing it!

[–]lau80 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Steal away. And to your kids, you're always beautiful.

[–]HeathenHumanist 13 points14 points  (0 children)

That's how they remember you, though. In the casual clothes with unwashed-for-3-days hair. And that's great. You don't have to look "Instagram perfect" all the time!

[–]Submergedcottonball 75 points76 points  (1 child)

I used to do this, and then in the span of 5 years I lost 2 good friends, my best friend, my kid's dad, and my "other-mother". I now know the importance of pictures and I make sure I'm in all of them, no matter how much I hate my face.

[–]alexsangthat[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry for your losses. You are doing your loved ones such a kindness by putting aside your feelings to ensure they are able to have pictures of you after you pass

[–]Andyyougoonieee 355 points356 points  (10 children)

I one hundred million percent agree with this!

[–]chizzlefrizzle 57 points58 points  (2 children)

Same! I’m definitely that person when it comes to taking pictures, I hate them. But this makes me want to change that so much. I didn’t even think of this perspective smh

[–]SoDamnToxic 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Just take videos! Nothing is cooler than home videos of people just hanging out at birthday parties or gatherings and everyone is more relaxed and comfortable rather then anxious and embarrassed posing for a photo.

I hate photos too but mostly because they are so unnatural, posing and smiling and crap, so fake. 99% of photos are not the real me. Videos on the other hand are me in my natural state just comfortable hanging out.

How it used to be done in my family is there was a camera and whoever wanted could just grab it and take video as it was recording constantly during a gathering or party and it catches everyone just relaxing.

[–]suckfail 28 points29 points  (2 children)

Me too. Also, take videos. As many as you can.

I have a toddler and time passes by fast as shit and I always go back the videos, but the photos less so. Very glad I have so many and will continue to record them.

[–]Todomus 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Videos are amazing and so important! I have around 4 pictures of my best friend who passed away a few months ago and Ive been looking at them every single day for hours at times. But just last week I found a short shaky video I took around 3 years ago that I didnt even remember taking and in it was she, although for just a mere two seconds. I saw her move, saw her facial expressions change, and most importantly: heard her voice again. Let me tell you I ugly cried. Short videos of your loved ones during mundane activities, or simply taken randomly during the day, will one day be your greatest treasure

[–]Naomi_now_me 89 points90 points  (18 children)

My mom doesn’t like being in photos. She never has. And I respect that. I’m not going to force her to be uncomfortable for my sake.

When I do take pics of her with my kids I immediately show them to her and give her the option to delete them.

[–]cassie_hill 52 points53 points  (11 children)

Thank you for saying this. People have many reasons for not wanting to be in pictures and forcing it doesn't help anyone.

[–]nisera 13 points14 points  (1 child)

This exactly. The amount of people on this thread saying you should force yourself to take pictures is kinda astounding, and there's even people saying that it's a psychological issue that needs to be addressed? I don't get it. Some people just don't like doing it.

I'm not going to make myself uncomfortable, doing something I absolutely despise, so that a couple people can look at a slideshow at my funeral and be like "huh. Didn't photograph well."

[–]The_Stoic_One 9 points10 points  (2 children)

People in this thread seem to think a photo is the only way to remember a loved one. It's ridiculous.

[–]Cupcake_Jane 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I've been organizing my husband's family pictures (we are talking stuff from the early 1900 onwards here) and it's really not.

Your memory only goes back so far - can you remember what your grandma looked like in her 20ies? Your parents as children? Of course not, but it's great to see it anyway.

Also, you'd be surprised how photographs can bring memories back - not because people forgot, but because they simply hadn thought about it in a while.

[–]WeAreDestroyers 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It's not, but our memories are fallible. Photos are a tangible way to ensure some part it won't fail. That's not a valid argument for everyone obviously, but it is for a lot.

[–]longbreadsticks 106 points107 points  (22 children)

I dont think its fair to make people take pictures when they feel uncomfortable. If they dont wanna be in pictures just respect that. Its not always about whether other people think they look bad. My sister hates taking pictures because when she sees herself in them it makes her insecure because she doesnt like the way she looks. If she dies I wont have many pictures of her but i think its more important how she feels when shes alive than how i feel when shes dead. I'll have other things to remember her by.

[–]Electromech_Giant 56 points57 points  (1 child)

its more important how she feels when shes alive than how i feel when shes dead.

This encapsulates why I think this post is somewhat selfish. Some people are saying they're going to make an effort to be in photos more, and that's great if it's your choice. But a person has a right to their own image, and respecting that right is more important than ever in this age of data collection we live in.

[–]featherpickle 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm sort of somewhere in between. I hate the feeling of having my picture taken. But at the same time I wish I had more pictures of myself from my teenage and college years. I see old pictures that friends post online and I am never in them. Even now that i have kids I still always try to sneak out of frame unless someone insists. So while I agree that you should respect an individuals choice to not be in pictures if they are uncomfortable, I don't think I have ever looked at a picture of myself and regretted being in it.

[–]dingerys 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There’s also body dysmorphic disorder. Forcing someone with that mental health issue to be in photos isn’t going to help it or make it go away.

[–]callmekhakis 12 points13 points  (0 children)

right, like i absolutely hate being in pictures and my mom would always make me take so many pictures and post every single one of them on facebook, despite my protests. if i complained, she would get sad and guilt me by talking about how she didn’t have many pictures of my older sister (she died when she was 5) and then get pissed if i still wouldn’t take them bc apparently if i die, she doesn’t want to not have any pictures. kinda fucks a young kid up in the head, honestly

[–]King_Of_Regret 8 points9 points  (4 children)

Finally someone with sense. Threads full of people being selfish pricks, demanding an album full of photo's of people despite it making them uncomfortable.

[–]truthful_chili 10 points11 points  (2 children)

I agree. I don't feel comfortable taking photos and exposing myself, I hate when people force it, and I personally don't care if some person will treasure it or not.

[–]flowerchild413 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I hate people taking pictures of me too, but I'm too fucked up to let anyone love me or even get close so it's not a problem. OP just said "if you have people who love you".

Your most vivid memories tend to be the most recent ones, which can present a big problem when the people you love are ill and suffer a lot before passing.

My mom passed 2 years ago, and over her last few agonizing months I helped care for her. That's not how she'd have wanted me to remember her but my mind still often shows her to me that way: sick, frail, scared, sad...

Brains can be stupid so when mine conjurs up that image of her I pull out an old photo to remind me of who she truly was: an amazing person and so much more than just a patient.

Old photos remind me of so many different sides of her personality and they can even trigger auditory and olfactory memories, it's amazing. I consider myself very lucky that she was a photo person and if I ever let anyone get close again, I'll work on my photo hatred for them because now I know what it means. sorry for the long reply.

[–]Wraith_Grotesque 47 points48 points  (18 children)

I wish taking pictures didn't bother me so damn bad it brings me to tears. I've always hated being in pictures/having my picture taken and would burn my pictures as a child because I hated them so much. I even hate the selfies I've made. Maybe one day I can find the strength to accept them.

Good advice to give otherwise.

[–]alexsangthat[S] 26 points27 points  (5 children)

You absolutely need to do whatever is best for you and your mental health! Don’t feel guilty if you aren’t there yet, you’re trying and that’s all that matters. Good luck!

[–]Wraith_Grotesque 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Thanks. I will be getting therapy soon enough, so hopefully that helps.

I'm very sorry there aren't pictures left behind to remember the times with your mother. Your perspective on having pictures taken for those left behind by death is something I've truly not even considered, and is something to think about for future pictures.

Edit: I'm sorry to have put a pessimistic comment on here, that wasn't my intention. Just surprising I never thought about this before.

[–]WeAreDestroyers 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's why posts like this matter. So many have never considered it, or even known to consider it. It's important to at least have the knowledge to make the decision :)

[–]netka67 9 points10 points  (2 children)

I feel this so much. Yesterday I was trying on wedding dresses for the first time in my life and I thought they fitted me so well! Then I saw my pictures and immediately felt awful because of the way I looked. The whole experience is ruined for me. I wish they hadn’t taken any pictures and I was left with memories instead...

[–]Wraith_Grotesque 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I'm very sorry you went through something so disheartening. Please know that, if you are struggling with BDD, this is a common occurrence to experience. But pictures can be so deceiving to our perspectives, our mind will focus on the 'flaws' that aren't truly there. I'm sure you did look as good as you thought prior to seeing the pictures :)

[–]WeAreDestroyers 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hear hear. You were absolutely stunning and I don't even need to see you to know that because every human is in their wedding outfit on their wedding day regardless of what they choose to wear! Something about how you feel in it makes everything beautiful.

[–]TheMemeStar24 48 points49 points  (6 children)

Well good thing nobody loves me or would want a picture of me am I right guys?

[–]GrizzlyRiverRampage 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I feel this. No pics on record when I pass. Smoke in the breeze. Gone.

[–]wingmasterjon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

For this reason I've avoided photos almost my entire life. There's probably only been a couple dozen pictures of me in existence outside of when I was only a few years old and a span of a few years where the only pics taken were for school photos but my family didn't order them.

I've always felt I'd be forgotten before I die.

[–]wysiwywg 11 points12 points  (3 children)

Reddit loves you

[–]PavelDatsyuk 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Yeah but Reddit doesn’t want pics of them unless they’re attractive and posing with a painting they made.

[–]Baker4Lyfe 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Same. I only have one picture with my mom and it was soon after she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and she knew she was likely not going to make it. I cherish that picture but wish I had more.

[–]anuuttuuon 51 points52 points  (16 children)

Nope. You have pictures. Respect my privacy and my wishes.

[–]assortedfruit3 31 points32 points  (11 children)

Agreed. I understand the point - and I feel for OP - but pictures fuck up my mental state. I feel ugly and fat and pictures confirm it. And with how everyone else already reacts to “I don’t want to take a picture”, I think it’s very inconsiderate to add even MORE pressure on us.

[–]anuuttuuon 12 points13 points  (8 children)

Persistence is what gets me. On vacation? Sure get a picture here and there, but when it’s over and over I get irritated. Somebody on vacation with me should know how I feel about having a camera pointed at me, and now I have a memory of you pressuring me and knowingly making me uncomfortable in Europe.

[–]dfreinc 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This might just be me but I hate posing for pictures and faking smiles. I have zero issue with candid photos where I'm just being genuine.

Thankfully my wife's a photographer and catches plenty of those but it's something worth talking to people who 'hate having their pictures taken' about.

[–]PanSearedBeans 9 points10 points  (1 child)

I don’t avoid being in pictures. It’s just nobody ever takes pictures of me.

[–]NtertainMePlease 9 points10 points  (5 children)

I avoid photos because people are stupid, vain, and narcissistic enough to put them on the internet, namely Facebook and Instagram, which are the online equivalent of a coupon book.

[–]Mikesixkiller 3 points4 points  (1 child)

My wife was an early adopter of Facebook and I too thought it was stupid, vain and narcissistic. I'm slightly sad now though because every day Facebook reminds her with a picture or her thoughts for that date years ago. Almost like an online journal that demands to be read.

[–]cliffy9309[🍰] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

This isn't YSK this is IMO

[–]PM_UR_THROWAWAY_PLZ 49 points50 points  (0 children)

Uh...no. Respect that people don't want to be in pictures and be happy with the small handful of pictures you end up with. Some of us just don't like our pictures being taken. I don't even like looking in the mirror because I see my abusive mom looking back at me. But by all means, let me have pictures taken so you can feel slightly less bad when I die.

[–]KR-kr-KR-kr 18 points19 points  (2 children)

I hate taking pictures I was the youngest of my whole family, on both sides, for 10 years. I would cover my face when I was little and I still hate pictures I’m 17

[–]TTrippleT 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I thought i looked so ugly balding and messy shirt. My girlfriend saved the photo and even framed it. I hate my self in that picture but she loves it so much. Still don’t know how she likes me in that picture lol

[–]QDP-20 35 points36 points  (4 children)

I understand what you're saying and I hope the following doesn't seem insensitive:

Maybe photos are just reminders of someone's death more than anything, preceding them as representations of a person's physical appearance. Ultimately can photos tell any other story than 'this person is gone'? Even looking at old photos of still living family members I don't see that image as them, but rather a person that used to be.

I like to think that keeping someone with you is best done from simply remembering them by the ways they made you feel and recognizing their impact on your life.

I don't have any photos of my brother who died but I still remember him as he was and how he continues to influence me. A photo only represents a moment that's gone the second you hear the shutter click.

[–]Thereal14words 5 points6 points  (0 children)

pictures visually aid your memory.

Even looking at old photos of still living family members I don't see that image as them, but rather a person that used to be.

I vastly prefer them thinking of the person I used to be than the person I am now.

[–]isighuh 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Yeah, the mom didn’t want to take pictures when she was alive, that’s her choice, and this post somewhat comes off as saying, “Well, you still have to take a picture for me!” It’s not intentionally selfish, but it doesn’t change the fact that it still kind of is. People need to learn how to appreciate every moment they have with their loved ones before they’re gone. A picture isn’t necessary for that.

[–]hiimred2 5 points6 points  (1 child)

It’s not intentionally selfish

It literally is. It's quite literally saying 'I wish my mom had taken pictures for me to have, so I will tell others to take pictures for others.' It's entirely a delayed grievance by the OP brought upon by the anniversary. There are other ways to treasure memories besides pictures if your loved ones and friends don't enjoy being in pictures.

It may be selfish with good intentions, but it's like, the exact definition of selfishness.

[–]AAATripper 79 points80 points  (27 children)

I think ones right to their own image trumps anyone else’s desire to have it. If someone doesn’t want to be in pictures, you can find other ways to remember them.

[–]starnerves 30 points31 points  (2 children)

I agree with you - also, I prefer the aspect of living in the moment and focusing on being present. Too often folks are overly worried about capturing a moment rather than enjoying it.

[–]but_why_is_it_itchy 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I think there's a balance to be struck there. Having some kind of tangible memory of an experience can be really lovely. But you don't have to spend the entire time gathering them and missing the moment.

[–]Veryuglybutverycool 31 points32 points  (1 child)

Agreed. This post is just guilt tripping.

[–]Salohacin 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I hate being in pictures, so I'm not I don't take many pictures. Seems pretty silly to trawl through old photos of someone you explicitly knew didn't like having their picture taken. If you want to remember them, remember that they didn't like their picture being taken.

[–]guiltfreepeasant 21 points22 points  (0 children)

While it's sad when someone dies and normal to wish you could see them it should be respected that while they were alive they didn't want pictures. I don't agree with this at all. We should respect people's wishes and if she hated her picture being taken it's incredibly selfish to guilt people into it because you want something.

[–]PM_ME_YOUR_FART_HOLE 93 points94 points  (75 children)

Don’t live your life doing something you hate just to make people comfortable after you die. It’s not selfish to not constantly think about your “legacy” and what’s going to happen after you die. You’re dead, you won’t feel guilt, you won’t be looking down at your sad family looking for photos. Just live your life how you want and then die.

[–]EzekialCat 19 points20 points  (7 children)

I avoid pictures cuz I'm trans and pictures make my entire body feel nothing but everlasting pain and dread :)

[–]MyHandsAreOrange 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Valid

[–]EzekialCat 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, orange hand person. You too are valid.

[–]Cimarro 20 points21 points  (3 children)

You should know that if someone you care about hates being in pictures, maybe there is something more profound going on than grumpiness or simple low self esteem.

[–]nisera 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Or that they simply don't like it and you could respect their wishes. That is also a possibility.

[–]Salpais723 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Fuck that.

The mystery is awesome.

“That’s uncle nick.. this is the only known photo of uncle nick... he was mysterious”

Then I show up drunk at the family gathering again.

[–]msfreakyfriday 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't necessarily hate being in pictures, but I find I'm often the picture taker. So sometimes I'll randomly take a video of me talking to my kids or just a selfie for no one to see... Everything is in the cloud for them.

[–]lapetiterenarde42 4 points5 points  (0 children)

As I hold my 5wk old son, who has done sweet little more than scream in my face for the last three hours, I am actively sobbing. I’m so sorry for your loss.

[–]Kalsifur 58 points59 points  (58 children)

How bout fuck off, if I don't like pics that's my business.

[–]Torre_Durant 8 points9 points  (0 children)

But I just really hate photographs

[–]Slemmanot 22 points23 points  (7 children)

What if I don't want to be remembered?

[–]money_loo 10 points11 points  (3 children)

The idea is kinda sorta that you’re dead so it doesn’t really matter what you want anymore since nothing matters to you, so instead it’s more like a compassionate thought to the future people who loved you in life, or maybe even future generations who want to know what their legacy looked like.

It’s almost like how funerals are more for the living than the dead, it’s not about you per se, it’s about you doing something nice for other people.

All the people up ITT talking about ownership and taking it into strange oppression levels are entitled to their feelings and opinions, and I’m sure they keep them for reasons, but from the perspective of someone outside looking in, it doesn’t seem healthy to get triggered over something that people want to cherish and love you for.

[–]zeophen 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I don't have that strong of a reaction to this post/these comments even though I have quite happily avoided being in a photo for over a decade.
I think a lot of people react poorly to anything that feels like a guilt trip. That combined with it being something they have probably been pestered about their entire lives makes for some knee jerk reactions.
It is kind of like with people who don't like dancing, being pestered and pulled, inevitably some will lose their shit. If that was the first time you met them, you'd think they had no chill, when really it had silently been boiling up for years.

[–]zombiiman 7 points8 points  (5 children)

Maybe they shouldn’t yell at me every time I talk about transitioning to deal with my gender dysphoria 🤷‍♀️

[–]Majesty838 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Screw you, I don’t need to be crying at work

[–]badatlyf 3 points4 points  (0 children)

good thing i mean nothing to anyone :D

i fucking loathe being in pictures.

[–]iwantyoutoburnfirst 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I spent so much time hiding behind cameras once I turned 14. It's only in the last five years that I've even stated taking selfies. There's a huge span where there are barely any photos of me. I really regret avoiding the camera for so long.

[–]shaguftashaikh118 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is so important. My mother passed away unexpectedly a year ago and, the only pictures I have of her are the ones I spontaneously clicked. I feel grateful that I captured these memories. It feels good to look at her smiling face every time I unlock my phone.

[–]Roscoe_P_Coaltrain 2 points3 points  (0 children)

To this I would add, take and keep some pictures/videos of yourself just living your life, and doing fun things. Like a little of being at work, or whatever. When my Mom passed, we were lucky enough to have some old Super 8 films from when Mom and Dad were dating and just married, and she was water skiing, downhill skiing, hot tubbing. You intellectually know they did that stuff, but by the time they are old, it doesn't seem real anymore. Having those films (digitized) to watch and show at the funeral home, was really great for everyone. Your kids and grandkids will really appreciate those insights into your life someday.

[–]Jack-the-Rah 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That's so sad! I'm sorry for your loss.

[–]Ryan7032 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I've always hated how I look but now with a girlfriend I have been slowly more willing to take them. Just recently we went hiking with friends and I was sort of pushed in to taking a picture with with my gf, while getting ready for the picture we were both nervous and laughing and there is a picture of us looking at each other and laughing...I live that fucking picture.

[–]scone-again 9 points10 points  (2 children)

Gosh this is me. I never go on a photo. I’ll will take some selfies with my children this holiday. I’m always behind the camera or just a pair of ‘mum legs’. Thank you xx

[–]alexsangthat[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This made me smile because we did find SO many pictures of her legs haha, thank you for this

[–]sid_gautama 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I feel this. Luckily my Gram is still around and we’ve forced her into some now.

Two months ago we went back and rewatched our family reunion tape from 1991. In a scene that had her dancing with a bunch of people, she took the time to edit in a black square to cover her. It moved with her and everything.

My Dad was so upset. We never see my Gram cut loose or relax - and she’s scrubbed it from the history.

Anyway - I hope some photos surface OP. Have you asked around?

[–]Veryuglybutverycool 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Love being guilt-tripped on the front page for wanting to be respected and comfortable.

[–]ignore_me_im_high 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yea, this is basically 'Please feel bad throughout your life so I don't have to feel bad after it...'

Completely self-absorbed.

[–]thundercunt_wino 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So strange, I was just thinking of this last night and started crying. I think the last "candid" picture of me is from at least five years ago. We've had professional pictures taken, but it's not the same. Things are gonna change! Thank you!

[–]jtchicago 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Related but I live near tourist destinations. I always ask families, friends and groups of people if I could take photos for them. That way everyone is in them instead of that one missing person taking the photo.

[–]rdiver 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Im so sorry for your loss. Would any extended family or friends have photos? This is a very good point. I realized after my first trip abroad that there were only 2 pictures with me in then since I'm the one who loves photography I was always behind the camera. I since have made a better effort but its definitely an ongoing issue for me.

[–]yamnut 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow, this really got me. I have a baby (now 7 months old) and I must admit I avoid many pictures my husband tries to take because I look tired and a mess most of the time. It’s not too late but now I think about the moments I could’ve captured with me in it even the day she was born...

[–]AI1991 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I dont avoid pictures but i am always the one who ends up taking them which means im not in it

[–]GrazeWheatEveryday 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yeah, no, part of loving someone is accepting how they are and doing your best to make them comfortable and happy while they're alive. I have a literal phobia around photographs, mirrors, etc. and sick to fucking death of people in my life using this argument and ones like it to make me feel even shittier about the situation. I don't enjoy being uncomfortable and I especially don't enjoy being made to feel guilty on top of my discomfort. These arguments and the few resulting pictures I've been forced into have done nothing but taint the memories around them. I'm sorry for your loss but this way of thinking is downright selfish. There are a plethora of ways to memorialize someone, most of them more meaningful than photographs or videos. Why would you want to look at a fossilized moment of them being actively uncomfortable and miserable? Why would that be something you'd cherish? Be grateful for the time you had together and remember her the way she'd want you to: happy.

[–]BaguetteF33t 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am exactly the same way and it's the main thing I'm focusing on changing at the moment. Hopefully this post will give me that extra push I need. Thank you.