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[–]necropants 2122 points2123 points  (58 children)

I was working as a stockboy in a supermarket and when we had to fill the milk cooler people would bust open a 12 pack of milk cartons and put them in one by one.

On my first day I just placed the 12 pack in the cooler and cut the plastic off on one side with my box cutter and yanked it from under it and the look of the store manager and the other employee who was training me was pure bewilderment.

From that day everyone did it my way.

[–]SparkieMark1977 828 points829 points  (18 children)

Start of lockdown, my 9 year old son was having worksheets emailed to complete at home. One day, left him at the laptop doing his maths while I made some dinner with my 3 year old daughter. Walked into the living room with his dinner to find him asking the Alexa all of his maths questions.

[–]bbbbbbbbbb99 778 points779 points  (7 children)

My brother in law spent a whole summer trying to figure out how to fix his sagging deck at the lake which he could in theory crawl under and jack it up.

It would have been a tunneling project. It's a 60x60 area all long 2x6 boards. Massive.

I sat there long enough with enough beers in me to come up with the idea of just cutting a square out of the sagging area about 3ft x 3ft, jacking it up then re-screwing down the boards. He paints the thing every spring with a roller anyhow so it's not like the square cut shows up.

He thought I was a genius.

I was just lazy.

[–]InquiringKata 626 points627 points  (18 children)

Worked as a laborer at a nursery one summer. Daily tasks included manually watering 15,000 plants each day. Put together a back of the napkin plan to build an irrigation system and spent the next few weeks building it with some money from the boss. That system is still running 15 years later and does all the work now. I did automate myself out of the job and had to find another eventually.

Couple years later got my engineering degree. I’m convinced Engineers are inherently lazy people that will spend a disproportionate effort to make things easier.

[–]Rino_samuel 9025 points9026 points  (83 children)

The clerk was asked to bring 145 white papers into the office. He doesn't want to count the papers manually so he printed 145 blank sheets and took them in.

[–]CameronsDadsFerrari 4082 points4083 points  (36 children)

Smart, he used a machine that counts as one of its functions, but not the primary function, to do the counting for him. It's just enough outside of the box that most people wouldn't think to do it at all.

[–]phatduckk 1168 points1169 points  (12 children)

Plus, as a bonus, they’re all nice and warm

[–]adhiyodadhi 3093 points3094 points  (102 children)

I was an intern at a large company during one summer back home from college.

My work 95% consisted of using SAP, import to Excel, clean data and generate reports (occasionally create some tool someone needed). In the 1st 2 weeks after getting a hang of my responsibilities, writing all the Excel formulas needed, and basically automating 99% of my work, I was chilling.

I went from actually working from 9-5 to maybe 1 hour tops a day. Finding, importing, cleaning, and reporting usually took hours but with all the formulas it took 2 minutes of clicking. I then helped the other cool intern get his shit set up so we could both just chill. We could take 2-hour lunches (paid for by the company) and nobody said anything cause we were just getting so much more done than the other interns. Ofc I helped for special tasks when asked but those were simple 20min tasks building something in Excel.

Overall, was the easiest/stress-less internship of my life.

[–]MastroLindo19 558 points559 points  (40 children)

what i'm getting from this thread is i should learn excel and how to automate stuff

[–]Dovahnime 1891 points1892 points  (57 children)

I had a math teacher that actively encouraged his students to be as lazy as possible, defining lazy as actively searching for ways to do as minimal work as possible. His logic was that, the way math is now, it could always be simplified and still work the same, someone just needs to be lazy enough to find that.

[–]UserMaatRe 635 points636 points  (11 children)

My favorite math teacher used to say that the best solution is the one you find.

[–]i_think_therefore_i_ 5783 points5784 points  (146 children)

When Carl Friedrich Gauss, the famous German mathematician and physicist was in elementary school (around 1784), his class was assigned the "busy work" task of adding all the numbers from 1 to 100 (1+2+3+4, and so on). This usually kept the class quiet for half an hour or so. Seven year-old Carl was sitting quietly with the correct answer (5050) while the rest of the class was just starting, so the surprised teacher asked him how he came up with the solution. He replied that he added 1 and 100 and got 101. Then he added 2 and 99, and got 101, 3 plus 98 = 101, and so on. He realized there was a pattern of 50 pairs of numbers with each pair adding up to 101. And 50 x 101 = 5050.

[–]seaSculptor 2052 points2053 points  (78 children)

I wish I had this gift to be inquisitive about number patterns. I don’t trust or follow my instincts enough in maths.

[–]l_am_very_sMaRt 2221 points2222 points  (59 children)

It took me like 3 months, but I automated a data pipeline to extract data, clean it up, and spit it out in an excel or pdf format to one of our clients.

I walked over to shoot the shit with the lady who handles my client and gives me tasks and she told me we make 40k off them every month for that automated job.

Fuck, I need to go start my own business.

[–]Lekoaf 359 points360 points  (29 children)

As a developer at least, it’s quite common that everything you create at work belongs to the company. So make sure your script doesnt belong to them before you try and start a business with it.

[–]buyongmafanle 208 points209 points  (14 children)

Take this guy's word. My wife's best friend's husband is an engineer. He worked for a company making industrial machines. He decided to go start a company of his own. Asked a lawyer and the lawyer said it should be no problem. Six months down the road he got served a court order to shut down because he was using IP from his previous job. Ended up going to court and got wiped out. Hundreds of thousands of dollars penalty, future salary garnishment, the whole works.

Even if the first lawyer says it's OK, get a second opinion and get it all written down. Spend 15k on lawyers up front or lose your ass.

[–]KioJonny 1665 points1666 points  (23 children)

When I was in college I had a job at an Italian fast food place with a reputation for it's breadsticks. They came in frozen and needed a bit to thaw, so we'd take a giant 3x4ft aluminum baking sheet, spread them out in a single layer with no spaces and cover it with a plastic bag, then leave it sit in the walk-in overnight. The next day you'd have to get a pair of tongs and move each stick to a new tray, turning them over, then cover the new tray with the bag and let them sit on racks for a couple of hours before brushing on the garlic butter sauce. This was tedious enough that you'd usually be ready to brush the butter on the first tray as soon as you turned the last tray. I was given this task for the first time one morning and just did not want to deal with it. I realized if I put the second tray upside down on top of the first one then turned it over and took the first tray out, I got exactly the same results. Blew the boss's mind when I did the 3 hour job in about 15 minutes. I was given a $0.05/hour raise.

[–]Huntsorigin 381 points382 points  (2 children)

Ah yes. £0.05 seems adequate for saving 3 hours each time 😂

[–]january21st 32.6k points32.6k points  (247 children)

I plug clocks in at midnight so they're already set.

[–]niallw2101 17.2k points17.2k points & 2 more (103 children)

Trip the main fuse in the house at midnight to do all the appliances too lol.

[–]cathleene1987 4951 points4952 points  (46 children)

The real life hack is always in the comments comments

[–]Dungeon_Master_Lucky 2733 points2734 points  (37 children)

Same. My granddad puts a battery in a stopped clock in at the exact time it stopped so he doesnt have to tweak it.

[–]jackrussellenergy 3589 points3590 points  (67 children)

Eating dinner out of the pot so there’s fewer dishes to wash.

[–]pgm123 2135 points2136 points  (26 children)

If I need directions I'm not asking a man with one tooth, I'm asking a man with one leg. Cause he definitely knows the easiest way to get there. Yup, if there's a shortcut that one legged fucker knows where it is. You won't be hoppin' fences neither.

[–]brisketandbeans 459 points460 points  (7 children)

Do you usually have such an interesting cohort of people to pick your advisor from?

[–]DLS3141 32.0k points32.0k points  (724 children)

An older company had a person dedicated to “data entry” which boiled down to copying and pasting portions of data from text files into spreadsheet and formatting into a report.

The person originally doing this job spent a full 40+ hours/week doing it, but was not very computer literate. When they retired, the company hired someone with actual skills. The new hire convinced management to let her work remotely after getting up to speed on the job.

The first week at home was spent automating the entire job. The remainder of their multi-year tenure with the company was spent doing whatever they wanted save the 10-15 minutes weekly to run their program and to answer the odd email here and there. All while getting paid full salary and benefits. They actually had to add in a few errors now and then to make it seem realistic.

[–]Suppafly 14.2k points14.2k points  (503 children)

An older company had a person dedicated to “data entry” which boiled down to copying and pasting portions of data from text files into spreadsheet and formatting into a report.

I've worked a few places that have people doing this. Usually when they retire, the job is given to some younger person that figures out how to do it in 10 minutes on top of the rest of their normal job.

[–]DLS3141 5359 points5360 points  (284 children)

In this case, since the retiring person worked full time doing this and often struggled to meet deadlines they hired a replacement.

[–]Brodins_biceps 8001 points8002 points  (279 children)

My gf works for an insurance company and basically spent months working on spreadsheets to compile quarterly vendor claims for the last 10 years; each quarter with thousands of rows.

I just finished my MS in Analytics. I spent a few hours with her asking exactly what she needed to do. Wrote 3 lines of code in SQLite and basically saved her months of work. Now when she has to work in these projects she runs the program and that’s that.

I was pretty proud of that.

[–]MountainAddition 2328 points2329 points  (150 children)

I work in insurance, am currently on reddit because I've finished my work for the day. It's 1pm, I started at 11 and and done at 7pm. I'm bored already.

[–]number_plate_26 2284 points2285 points  (113 children)

This is actually my job. I work for a local government entering new, renewed existing and disposal of our ‘assets’. Primarily roads and stormwater, essentially anything that is near a road that the local government has to maintain.

The old guy who left, at 72 years old, legit wrote everything down before punching it into excel to be converted into our financial database. When I started I was shown how the job worked and I asked did I have to write stuff down. My boss said no, that was just his old school way of doing it. So instead I immediately entered data into excel, skipping how long winded first process and cut the job time down significantly.

Due to this I got more duties and responsibilities. But it came with a raise. So I guess that’s a 50/50 win?

[–]john_C_random 30.0k points30.0k points  (112 children)

I worked 'goods in' for an aircraft manufacturer as a summer job at university. Parts would arrive, we'd open them and key in all the details into a terminal. That bit was long winded. I discovered the terminal keyboard has assignable shortcuts, and set up a bunch of them for all the boilerplate such that keying in an item was about six keystrokes. Saved myself and my workmate hours every day, which we would spend pranking each other, other warehouse staff and staff at other sites.

[–]Hibernian 17.9k points17.9k points  (47 children)

Made yourself more efficient and use the extra time to make your colleagues less efficient?

Thanos-Balanced-Meme.jpg

[–]DoomCircus 5768 points5769 points  (34 children)

Made yourself more efficient and use the extra time to make your colleagues less efficient?

Ron Swanson has entered the chat. "Given the choice of doing something and doing nothing, I will always choose doing nothing. Unless doing something helps someone else do nothing."

[–]Larva_Mage 2335 points2336 points  (6 children)

“I would work all day if it meant nothing got done” -Ron Swanson

[–]JuiceBox1 10.1k points10.1k points  (394 children)

Walkie Talkie's. In every job I've ever had these things make your day far less labor intensive if used correctly.

[–]Slavgineer 2093 points2094 points  (24 children)

Good god, I wish we had these things. Spent 20 minutes of my coffee break at 3 am trying to call the plant in an area with next to no service so they could let me in the building because my dumbass left my wallet inside. Didn't get my coffee either.

[–]saulsa_ 1500 points1501 points  (18 children)

Didn’t get my coffee either.

You could’ve checked on the webcam.

[–]2020Chapter 5085 points5086 points  (284 children)

Plus it’s just fun saying stuff like “roger that” and “over and out”

[–]Phantom_Ninja 5389 points5390 points  (224 children)

"Over" means you're expecting a response from the other party.

"Out" means you're done with the conversation.

"Over and out" would mean you're expecting a response and you're done with the conversation. Don't do it!

[–]TheCancerManCan 2135 points2136 points  (118 children)

Exactly. I feel like "over and out" is some Hollywood bullshit.

[–]uk_uk 2576 points2577 points  (49 children)

Worked in a local adult education center. One of my main tasks was to make calculation about how many people enlisted for a course, how many of them got discounts (unemployeds e.g.), how many men/women/age etc. That was needed to calculate upcoming courses fees etc. That was my only work there and I hated it.

This was in early 90s, so PCs were a thing in our offices but I had no idea how to write a program or use a database to use this informations. Lucky as I am our center had an interesting policy: when you want to educate yourself, you can attend that class for free. And when it's during the worktime, then this is worktime - as long as my supervisor is ok with that. She was.

So I spent 3 months "studying" database structures, scripting, coding etc. I told my tutor what I wanna do and he helped me to write a script that grabs all necessary informations from the courses-database, copy that into another database and then I went crazy and wrote code that was insane. I implemented "what if" scenarios thanks to filters. At the end I was able to do my work, that needed 6hrs a day within 15 minuntes. I mean, before that it took e.g. an hour to have all the necessary informations to have a "how many unemployed single parent women does it need to make the costs of that course even. I had EVERYTHING back then. Now you want statistics how many single parent disabled foreign women at the age of 80-90 are needed for the next 2 years to keep the ornithology course running? Sure, no problem. Clickety-Click, done.

After that, I started the PC in the morning, grabbed all the data, ran my script, was done within 15 mins and then read the book I brought from home. At the end of the day I gave my supervisor several dozens of papers, statistics, predictions etc and said "That was a lot of work!!" and went home. My supervisor was superhappy with me because I did so much more now and was super-effective.

[–]IGHOTI907 17.2k points17.2k points  (166 children)

I was invited to my friend’s yearly apple picking: it was a full day of apples and kids and filling a truck for cider. I’m lazy and suggested we make the process more efficient with tarps on the ground. We managed in 2 hours what historically took all day. We didn’t even get to the picnic lunch. Essentially, I ruined apple picking

[–]Callipygian_Superman 2856 points2857 points  (82 children)

IDGI. What did the tarp do to save time?

[–]EchoJackal8 3823 points3824 points  (72 children)

I'm guessing that they were shaking the trees, then picking up the apples that fell? So with the tarp down, all they had to do was grab the corners and pour into a container.

[–]alamakjan 2708 points2709 points  (39 children)

Basically how you harvest olives.

[–]EchoJackal8 803 points804 points  (16 children)

Yup, but I love watching that machine go at those trees.

[–]Yoinkie2013 10.6k points10.6k points  (111 children)

Back in highschool a lot of kids used to walk thru his park to get home/to school. A portion of the path went into the woods because it was just quicker than walking the actual trail. At one point in the walk through the woods, you had to go up this small but tedious hill; nothing major but it took like 10 seconds of hard work to go up it. You couldn’t go around because one side was a small cliff to the creek below and other side had dense trees. One summer, a bunch of us got together and decided to just dig through that hill to make it flat. It took like 14 of us 3 good days to get through it.

It was a hard 3 days but it was definitely worth it. Saved 10 second of hill climbing every morning and afternoon, 150+ days of the year. And it wasn’t just us, but hundreds of other kids who took the same party every day. Sometimes you need to put in a lot of work so your future selves can enjoy the easy way out.

[–]Korivak 3742 points3743 points  (9 children)

Some future railroad surveyors right here.

[–]agreyjay 3483 points3484 points  (101 children)

At work, I go through parts and apply 2 different kinds or tape and 2 different kinds of weave. I have finally got the rhythm down and now I do each part individually, and apply everything at once. Everyone else goes through an entire order, just applying tape, then goes through it again to do the weave.

I asked to use the big table in the back of the shop, and just put all the tape and weave tools there. And do the parts all at once. Normal rate for an 8hr shift is 1200, but I can manage 1800 in a day, going at a nice steady pace.

Edit: I can get 1800 going at a steady pace. I've done it before. But I usually dont. Most days I go slow and relax, purposely only making 1300-1350 or so parts. It's just enough over rate to get my incentive bonus.

And, thanks to being a "hard and fast" worker, the uppers leave me alone at my big table in the back. They look the other way when I have an earbud in one ear, and they don't notice that I scroll reddit or read a lot.

Edit: I can't say what products we make, they're too recognizable and googling it would reveal where I work and live.

[–]Katamug 2049 points2050 points  (62 children)

I have a massive exercise to do at our year end (accountancy). My work previously got checked by another manager who spent over 3 weeks going over the data. Eventually she got shifted to another department and that workload fell on me, basically self audit and then present the data to the actual auditors. My previous manager was absolutely shit at Excel. I didn't let on but I did all the audit on a separate file using simple (but out of the way) formulas. Not only did I reduce the task from 3 weeks to basically real time checks (no time) but when I was told that I have to perform that exercise every month my job became a doddle. I didn't let on that everything was automated by sumifs, indexing, max values and range checks. Living the dream. (Sorry if I rambled on.)

[–]thisbuttonsucks 4277 points4278 points  (55 children)

One of my favorite stories from my youth was "The Tale of the Man Who Was Too Lazy to Fail".

I got fed-up with hand writing itemized sub-orders at work, so I set up a spreadsheet that you can just fill out. Then I got tired of having more than one program open, and not being able to search within & among those order sheets (at least not automatically, or easily), so I'm having our FileMaker guy integrate it into our greater ordering & invoicing system.

I was frustrated at the pointlessness of sorting a giant pile of paper invoices from an unpaid stack to a paid stack every month, so I just use the accounting software to keep track.

I became so irritated with having to fill out a multi-page, printed spreadsheet for every single order (sometimes just one item, two pages in [and frequently, there would be those pesky itemized sub orders]) that I condensed the items into "most used", put them all on one easy to read sheet, and encouraged my co-worker to simply write out the more uncommon items at the bottom.

Basically, I hate busy work, and paper invariably leads to busy work. I have tried to reduce the use of paper in our office, but have not been entirely successful.

We have to have written order forms available (because sometimes the orders are coming in too fast to be able to type it all quickly & correctly), and have to keep some paper records for things like Organic, FDA, and USDA audits - but all in all I'd say my absolute hatred of filing has reduced busywork here by at least half.

[–]Microwave_Warrior 416 points417 points  (3 children)

One of my favorite examples is Andy Kim. And I'd like to preface this by saying that I don't think Kim is lazy so much as a genius.

Andrew Youakim was a singer/songwriter who became famous under the stage name Andy Kim. He achieved success writting songs for bands like the Archies, possibly most notably "Sugar, Sugar." After his success he coasted for awhile until his record label dropped him for lack of output. At that point he created his own label and cranked out hits like "Rock Me Gently." When they saw this, the big record labels then bought his label under the assumption that they would then profit off of the songs he wrote and performed.

He then very shortly stopped writing songs and largely lived off the sale of his label.

Work smarter not harder.

[–]Snowbattt 7367 points7368 points  (149 children)

Me. I automate shit all the time at work to make daily routine jobs more easy. I write manuals with screenshots with arrows indicating where to click or where to fill in what. Whenever I write a manual, I assume that whoever reads it is a complete idiot so that whenever customers call for the same questions again, I just send them to the online manual I created. No need to type it out again by email or explain it again by phone.

[–]Hnetu 2224 points2225 points  (34 children)

This. I have a friend who is... A little slow about finding stuff on a new program on her pc.

Screenshots with the pointer in the right spot is so so so much easier than walking her through it with words.

[–]kthulhu666 9818 points9819 points  (233 children)

Does Alexander and the Gordian Knot count?

"A complex knot that, according to prophecy, was to be undone only by the person who was to rule Asia, and that was cut, rather than untied, by Alexander the Great."

[–]SirAquila 3529 points3530 points  (29 children)

To be fair, imagine you are the priest, and this guy just cut your knot. And he is holding a very sharp sword, and has a large army outside. Would you dispute the legitimacy of his way of solving it?

[–]ElGosso 2595 points2596 points  (14 children)

No but I would roll my eyes very heavily. Probably sigh too.

[–]whaargarbgl 2589 points2590 points  (172 children)

Wasn't that the same dude who liked a guy living in a barrel?

[–]nattdr 3739 points3740 points  (154 children)

Yeah. The barrel dude was called Diogenes who was a philosopher who was famous for founding the school of Cynic Philosophy. He gave up all of his possessions apart from a barrel and a small bowl which he drank from. He was famous for jacking of in public and, when alexander the great visited him and asked him what he could do for him, Diogenes' response was that he should move because he was blocking the sun.

[–]DontWantToSeeYourCat 1313 points1314 points  (26 children)

You left out the funniest part about him jacking it in public. When people told him to stop or ask him why he did that he responded by saying "If only I could satisfy my hunger by rubbing my stomach".

Diogenes was a sassy lil' bitch.

[–]Ioupynou 1946 points1947 points  (53 children)

He also threw away his bowl when he saw a kid drinking directly from his hands.

[–]OohHeCardReadGood 2997 points2998 points  (46 children)

He'd also stand outside brothels and shout, "A beautiful whore is like poisoned honey!" People would give him money to shut up. When he had enough money he'd go inside the brothel.

[–]muchbester 1637 points1638 points  (36 children)

Diogenes sounds like the type of guy you want to have a beer with. madlad.

[–]ButterflyBloodlust 1454 points1455 points  (22 children)

Alexander the Great once told him, "If I were not me, I would much prefer to be you."

To which Diogenes responded, "I would prefer to be me, too."

[–]centaurquestions 636 points637 points  (25 children)

His most famous bit was that he would walk around with a lamp during the daytime, and when people asked what he was doing, he would say he was looking (unsuccessfully) for one honest person.

[–]daithisfw 62.2k points62.2k points  (1674 children)

I knew a guy who had a low level data/reporting job. He had several daily/weekly work responsibilities, including a bunch of reports that needed quite a bit of tweaking from raw data to finished product. But like I said, low level.

We didn't find out until way later, but he had set up macros for each of his major responsibilities where he could. Once set up, he'd just run the macros to do his work, but then he'd (smartly) hold off on delivering the reports until just a little before the deadlines.

He'd hit every assignment and was seen as reliable. He also would complain about the workload so people would leave him with that work. I doubt he did a full hour of work a day after he set up what he did.

Eventually he left the job for one with better pay. But damn did he work lazy. Also, he was smart not to reveal until the end, because had he told them about it he would have gotten a pat on the back and would have been given a whole other workload, on top of maintaining those macros/etc. Dude milked the job, not the other way around.

[–]pgm123 9133 points9134 points  (240 children)

I know a guy who did this, but he revealed it. The company shared the macros with all the employees. It made everyone's life easier, but they also got an increased work load. The company made a lot more money. And this guy made none of it. He didn't even get promoted.

[–]WaterStoryMark 5896 points5897 points  (100 children)

That's why I haven't said a word.

[–]Killzillah 2454 points2455 points  (33 children)

The secret is shameless self-promotion. Use secret scripts and automation but instead of telling everyone else how awesome your scripts are and how well automated everything is, use the output (work) from those and tell everyone how good you are at these tasks and reports and how well you've got it handled.

[–]classypassygassy 925 points926 points  (12 children)

The funny part is that the boss thinks were dumb enough to spend hours on manually executing stupid meaningless tasks every day instead of automating them. Then he praises us for the amount of time it must have taken us to do said tasks.

[–]Waffle_bastard 201 points202 points  (0 children)

Good boy! Who wants a paycheck? Do YOU want a paycheck? Ok, sit! Stay! Annnnnnd...paycheck!

[–]radix4801 2753 points2754 points  (43 children)

I did this, and who was the first one laid off in 2008 when the economy tanked? The dude who didn't do anything but maintain the "completely automatic" system.

I got a call about two years later that the server I had set up crashed and they couldn't recreate the process. I never returned the call, and guess who went out of business shortly after.

EDIT. This got more attention than I was expecting, so some more info: This was a small construction-related company, so they were hit very hard by the 2008-2009 recession. I really had no hard feelings about being let go at the time it happened, mostly because I was already looking for something else, anyway. But due to the economy at the time, I still ended up unemployed for another six months, and I felt lied to by the owner about his efforts to bring me back, sell one division that would get me a job, etc. One could say I grew more and more bitter about it at time went on. Still, they asked for some help from time to time, and I did go back to do some consulting at a decent hourly rate more than once. It was a year or so after those calls stopped that they were really in the shit. By that time, I was on to a much better job (still there 10 years later, now making literally triple what I made at the construction company). If they could have afforded to pay what I would have demanded, they could have afforded to not have a problem in the first place. The writing was on the wall at that place for a while, so I may have been one of the straws that broke the camel's back, but hardly the first, and probably not the last. Bad management all around killed that business.

[–]AfterGloww 1757 points1758 points  (25 children)

Should have offered to come back and help them for an exorbitant consulting fee

[–]dismayhurta 960 points961 points  (10 children)

This. Like twice your yearly salary kind of fee.

[–]Perhyte 217 points218 points  (3 children)

Quadruple, that way you can hold out until next time :þ.

[–]SmellsLikeBV 2252 points2253 points  (118 children)

i created a macro which did data entry into an AS400 system from excel. 100% accurate and 100 times faster!

i never gave this information up. it saved me so many hours. i kept it quiet.

near the end of my career there i started helping coworkers, and productivity went thru the roof.

needless to say, no raises for the department, so i basically left, and left with the macro.

i still have contacts there, and its been 12+ years since i left. they still talk about "the productivity levels of 2008" and try to blame "the recession"

[–]Zooloph 20.9k points20.9k points  (591 children)

Any good IT guy will find a way to automate his job so he can sit around browsing reddit. I left my last Sys Admin Job and the next guy called me and asked how I was doing the work of 3 people. He was going through the daily playbook and was so far behind...

I asked him if he was going through the Manual play book, or the Automated playbook, as I had left both on my desk. Evidently my former boss had taken the automated one to do the work in the interim and never told the new hire about it.

[–]Truelikegiroux 10.7k points10.7k points  (274 children)

Bingo. The fact that you left two manuals is very kind of you though.

[–]Zooloph 5749 points5750 points  (264 children)

It was a great environment and great small team, so I made sure they were ok when I left. The only reason I left is somewhere was going to pay me more than double and they could not afford to even come close to matching it.

[–]Ilikeporkpie117 3132 points3133 points  (256 children)

You is da real MVP by documenting your systems.

[–]Bearlodge 2089 points2090 points  (138 children)

I remember I worked in a small IT department in college and the head admin had EVERYTHING automated. He'd spend the whole day playing games or watching YouTube but he still performed all of his duties in a timely manner. One day we played a full game of Civ V while monitoring the progress of a script that updated everyone in the office from XP to Win 7. All of the work got done on time and correctly so we really weren't doing anything "wrong".

[–]Zooloph 1754 points1755 points  (110 children)

If you are doing your job and nothing breaks, they ask why they have you. If something breaks, they ask why they have you. Its the IT catch 22.

[–]Cyclonitron 1051 points1052 points  (87 children)

The flip side is that most people are so technologically illiterate/lazy that performing the most basic of IT functions in front of them makes you look like an ingenious wizard.

[–]radgepack 806 points807 points  (52 children)

Then again, they don't share your excitement when you do something actual wizardrous because they lost you after 30 seconds

[–]Sneak_Stealth 1088 points1089 points  (46 children)

They never understand why we get excited after we figure out the chronic issue that's been plaguing the systems for the last 3 weeks.

Nothing, not even drugs, beats the dopamine rush from solving a critical issue by yourself.

[–]xouba 329 points330 points  (10 children)

There's something better: that, and finding that it was not your fault. Bonus points if the culprit is someone you despise.

[–]brainburger 457 points458 points  (7 children)

I automate stuff like that but I still need to be on hand for when the automation hits a snag. With many automated jobs this is a regular occurrence.

[–]InquisitiveAboutYou 1645 points1646 points  (40 children)

IT guy here who fucked up. I'm not trained in IT but in commercial shipping. When I came in the office on the first day I got the rundown and started working. I found so many systems that just didn't make sense and were completely inefficient. Like a good MO-er (shipping term) I made a report and gave it to my boss, he said "great ideas, go ahead". I executed them and a month later the team went from 40ish to 25 cause it saved so much time. Sorry colleagues.

[–]RememberCitadel 817 points818 points  (24 children)

I found a decent way around that problem. Usually I will come up with some other way to occupy time that will earn money. A simple "hey we could be doing this thing and making bank" propose that first, then when they say we dont have time or resources give them the time saving proposal. Follow it up with an "I found some inefficiencies here that could be automated to save time and money needed for that other thing."

Some employers might just take the second way anyway, but at least you tried. Any employer should be looking for new income anyway.

[–]NotSoLittleJohn 211 points212 points  (5 children)

All things considered, halving your employment IS new income basically. I get your point though, if you can keep them and make more money then that should be preferred. But cutting staff is way easier generally and you can see the immediate results.

[–]swadloonandrice 1600 points1601 points  (60 children)

This is the day-to-day working life of anyone who has ever been the only person in their office who knows how to code.

When I was 20, I had a part-time student-work position that involved managing the website at a small organization. One of my tasks was to update the landing page every day with the date, a little thing about the day ("Happy International Women's Day" or "Today is Nelson Mandela's Birthday" or whatever) an inspirational quote, and a link to a random article from our archives.

The person who'd had the task before me was editing the HTML by hand every day. It wasn't a big task, but it was blocked out in my schedule for 8am to 8:30am every morning. Within the first week, I'd built a very simple database and script. It took about 2 hours total, and then for the whole three years I worked there, I had half an hour in the morning to just drink coffee and browse the Internet until the script pushed the update live automatically at 8:30.

This is one tiny innocuous example among many from my own experience, and I'm certain anyone who knows even basic programming and has worked in an office has a dozen or more similar stories of their own.

[–]viderfenrisbane 792 points793 points  (20 children)

I had half an hour in the morning to just drink coffee and browse the Internet until the script pushed the update live automatically at 8:30.

Mornings are for coffee and contemplation.

[–]tablair 1517 points1518 points  (64 children)

Reminds me of the mysterious firewall issue that Verizon discovered. They noticed that there was a strange VPN connection from China every day from around 9-5. This triggered an internal security audit which was unable to determine how the hacker was getting in. They eventually decided to roll out physical security keys to make the VPN more secure. This had the desired effect and the illicit connections stopped...for around one week. Then they mysteriously started again. Their network team was baffled as to how this apparent hacker had penetrated their more secure setup. So they called in an external auditor to solve the mystery.

It turned out that one employee had hired someone in China to do his work for him. He had several other jobs at other companies that were similarly outsourced to a much cheaper Chinese worker and was pocketing more than $1m per year in salary above what he paid his remote workers. He had always received exemplary reviews and had even turned down promotions. When they had instituted the physical VPN tokens, the remote employee had been unable to connect while his token was being sent by FedEX.

[–]drysart 1036 points1037 points  (50 children)

Smart enough to delegate his own job, but not smart enough to set up a local VPN proxy to hide the blatantly obvious foreign IPs, or to just set up a webcam to point at the token.

[–]inkseep1 1311 points1312 points  (95 children)

I did this too. I got assigned a new job and found that the work was very labor intensive. So I coded it and got a 40 h/week job down to about 4 hours on monday. Then I went looking for other things to automate in the department. I automated our job routing system, which was manual at the time, and I automated customer letter production, and I automated another managers job because they left and was going to give the work to me. Totally eliminated that job. Then I got promoted to IT. And here I stay as a lowly space cadet 23rd class because a high-up boss dislikes me and I can't get a promotion.

[–]brainburger 1044 points1045 points  (4 children)

It sounds like you need to change employer. Use your more advanced experience before it goes stale.

[–]alostvagabond 533 points534 points  (18 children)

Hopefully this hasn't been posted yet

https://thedailywtf.com/articles/ITAPPMONROBOT

Basically in order to restart a server, they made a robot that would eject it's CD tray every time it couldn't ping it

[–]RazerDeathsubtractor 7570 points7571 points  (207 children)

The entire micellaneous kitchen tools section at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I don't need an avocado slicer or a lemon squeezer or an automatic chopper/dicer, but lazy old me definitely puts them to good use.

[–]kafka123 4231 points4232 points  (75 children)

Ironically, these things were not created for lazy people originally, but for people with disabilities - and also very busy restaurant owners.

[–]RubeGoldbergCode 2401 points2402 points  (33 children)

This! Unfortunately, a lot of these products have to be marketed like time-saving devices and convenience gadgets to justify production, which is what leads to a lot of the weird product memes. Like sure, you can make fun of a little claw tool that helps you put on your socks without bending over, but elderly, ill, and disabled people sure are glad that tool exists.

[–]skyler_on_the_moon 399 points400 points  (3 children)

The good thing about that is that getting lazy people to buy them too helps lower the cost, making them more affordable for those who actually need them.

[–]sonia72quebec 23.5k points23.5k points  (340 children)

Years ago as a student I got a job stocking shelves. Guys were carrying the heavy boxes, put them on the floor and bend each time to pick up the items to put on the shelves. I was maybe a light 100 pounds (woman) and carrying the boxes was just killing me physically. So one day I had an idea. I put the box on a old desk chair and rolled it around. No more carrying and no more bending! Funny thing is that, instead of doing the same thing, most of the guys called me lazy and kept carrying the heavy boxes. Just to prove how strong they were.

Now they have special rolling carts to do the job.

[–]Evo_Kaer 7379 points7380 points  (93 children)

Screw lazy, screw strong. I would've copied you without a second thought

[–]GummyKibble 3203 points3204 points  (46 children)

Hell yeah. You don't get bonus pay for having an aching back.

[–]PorkBellyFutures 1339 points1340 points  (15 children)

Wow that's ridiculous. A waist-high utility cart is like the number one ergonomics requirement for moving anything at an in-door job site.

[–]SirSassyCat 756 points757 points  (13 children)

In Australia explorers discovered a mountain that was taller than Mt Kosciuszko, which was though to be the tallest mountain in Australia. Rather then cause confusion by telling everyone a new tallest mountain had been found, they simply named the new mountain Mt Kosciuszko and renamed the original to something else.

[–]blenderstyle 5052 points5053 points  (100 children)

I had to carry groceries into the house when I was a kid. I didn’t want to make multiple trips, so I tied several bags to the belt loops on my pants to do it in one trip.

[–]slowdownskeleton 2143 points2144 points  (55 children)

Why didn't you just run your belt through the bag handle loops? Would save a crap load of time

[–]blenderstyle 1714 points1715 points  (33 children)

I was dumb little kid, I have no idea. I just remember seeing a cartoon where one of the characters said, “Work smarter, not harder” and I was determined. It might have been Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers.

[–]Sekio-Vias 4243 points4244 points  (79 children)

Well I worked in a Graphics design studio as an intern. They mostly had me practice and do some basic stuff their head designers was to busy to do.

One was a real estate add. It had a few basic templates, but it was all kinds of scatterbrained. I would spend 5-10 minutes trying to find the right layer for all the pictures, and had to mess with way too much.

So I made copies of the files, and made one for each template. I labeled everything, made it so the images on top of each other wouldn’t clip into the lower ones like the previous did.. so on.. you could be in and out of the template in 2-3 minutes. Showed my boss the difference, and he had this face of “well shit..” he said the next day that if I was a graduate he’d hire me, because I was better than the people sending applications in.

In short I made an overly complicated/unorganized thing the opposite, and my boss was actually sad he couldn’t hire me.

[–]BenjamintheFox 1792 points1793 points  (29 children)

he said the next day that if I was a graduate he’d hire me,

This is a strange attitude. I've never known any kind of art or graphics place to care one iota about degrees.

[–]weirddudo 1371 points1372 points  (15 children)

He probably had to go back to school after the internship ended.

[–]Sumjhumms 30.0k points30.0k points  (777 children)

I'm doing it right now, automated data cleaning in Python. My coworkers don't know about it, so something that takes me 10 mins at most takes them 2 hours.

Edit. For everyone who says I should share my code, I have. I even set up a private GitHub space for my team. Some have taken it up, but others (including management) do not like it. I think they feel a little threatened.

[–]newfolkcollective 8530 points8531 points  (111 children)

My coding mentor got hired in a US government position and he mentioned being able to automate a lot of tasks in his interview. After the interview was over he was contacted by one of the people that were in on the interview and said basically, "Look, we get paid such and such a year and only work such and such hours...do the automation, but don't say you are doing the automation."

edit: clarity

[–]Dontdothatfucker 14.0k points14.0k points  (168 children)

What if they DO know about it, and they’re just better at fake being busy than you are?

[–]meltedlaundry 9319 points9320 points  (148 children)

My co-worker is the worst at being fake busy. I looked over at him the other day, and he was swimming.

[–]My_slippers_dont_fit 4607 points4608 points  (39 children)

I just got a mental image of someone sitting in an office, looking over to the other side to see their coworker splashing around in a paddling pool in the corner

[–]whenhaveiever 1556 points1557 points  (26 children)

I imagined they filled up their cubicle.

[–]WiglyWorm 653 points654 points  (15 children)

Nonsense, that's wasteful. Just move your cubicle directly into the river.

[–]diamondmines3 341 points342 points  (14 children)

Is swimming some fancy IT slang the rest of us don’t know?

[–]HerkulezRokkafeller 212 points213 points  (4 children)

It’s common on the service industry too, basically means you’re trying not to drown from the workload

[–]notlakura225 1288 points1289 points  (177 children)

I automated a yearly process that took months normally into a 20 minute script, got a fat bonus for it too!

[–]Philosopher_1 809 points810 points  (157 children)

It’s something a ton of people in IT do, but bosses never think to ask their employees to set something like that up.

[–]jedipiper 1358 points1359 points  (58 children)

It's not really about laziness for most of us. It's about solving the problem once and for all because we generally hate repetitive tasks because that's what the computer was designed for.

[–]gogozrx 465 points466 points  (11 children)

I get a lot of satisfaction out of making computers do work for me.

[–]WhitneysMiltankOP 1488 points1489 points  (25 children)

My boss put my name in for leading a project group shortly after I joined the company. I had no experience whatsoever about project managing yet he still demanded that I lead the group of 12 people.

All way smarter guys (tech background and shit, these guys are like magicians for me) and with way more time at the company.

I’m a business guy who’s too dumb for balance sheets that’s why I’m in HR (and because I quite like the field the most).

So we started the first meeting, I asked for everyone’s plan, experience and ideas, gathered the different pros and cons, cross checked with the budget we had, put on a time frame with milestones to reach (around 6 months), put in valuable people to consult at different steps. Why did I do that? Because I like organizing stuff and keep everyone on the same page and delegate to-dos.

Got promoted because of the success of the project.

I asked my boss why he put me in for it since I never done anything like that. He said because I complained in the first week that most of the work has way too wonky structure, no clear guideline and this could be improved heavily if we just take some time into it. And because I hated talking to others if I had questions and I wouldn’t get a clear answer (like: ask 10 people the same question and you get 15 different answers). In the long run this would make us way more efficient and keeps everyone on the same page.

All because I hated disorganized work.

[–]JayCDee 9745 points9746 points  (95 children)

According to facebook parents: the fucker that carved a sphere out of a stone block and rolled it instead of pushing it like the other dudes...

[–]TennessineGD 5931 points5932 points  (44 children)

"What the fuck is this? I ordered a fucking cube"

[–]The-Unknown-sees-you 2251 points2252 points  (24 children)

“why is my ‘cube’ a sphere Harry?”

[–]NonGNonM 1005 points1006 points  (15 children)

"No, I don't care that we're now leaping centuries ahead in advancement, you can't fit a sphere this size into this square prism, the fuck is wrong with you Harry? You can make a new shape but you haven't developed size constancy? You know what the problem with you is? You're psyching yourself out. You keep trying to show yourself up to impress that neanderthal girl Shari and you're being too smart for your own good. This is useless to us Harry, thank you for wasting everyone's time. Hey, everyone, guess who wasted everyone's time and effort. Thank Harry."

[–]arharris2 1209 points1210 points  (16 children)

What's more is that a cylinder would be easier to carve and roll straight while maintaining more of the original material.

[–]jwr410 665 points666 points  (8 children)

Once delivered, it can be turned onto its end to prevent it from rolling away.

[–]MidwestBulldog 461 points462 points  (9 children)

I had a manager in my twenties who detested the fact I turned a two hour process into a fifteen minute process. It exposed how much lazier he was compared to me because when the higher ups learned from other people at my level that I created the program, they took me aside and told me he took credit for it. They asked me how I felt about that.

I told them what decisions they make regarding the manager's character is their decision. Just put yourselves in my shoes and consider it from that angle.

They did nothing and I took the concept to a competitor who invested the money into making the program more robust and proprietary. My name was line one on the patent and trademark documents and I did well enough to semi-retire at 45.

I credit Lee Iacocca for the inspiration. He went through a similar problem with higher ups at Ford and his answer was to take his brain to Chrysler who would value it.

[–]TheLiberalOgre 1193 points1194 points  (17 children)

This is a case of ask a lazy person for a solution to handling their work;

I got sent out to California on a fact finding mission about the marijuana growing industry (years ago) to see if there was a market for the sort of A&C work we do (automation & controls).I set up meetings with some of the local growers and met with them, discussed their outdoor grow operations.

Their biggest complaint was having to go to the grow sites to do various tasks associated with maintaining the crop.

I asked them; "If we could provide a system that could allow you to manage those operations remotely from home, would you be interested in buying it?"

Every single guy was like "fuck yeah, if I can do it from bed while smoking a spliff I'd be totally on board for that, that's like my dream come true!"

So it turns out some of the automation that was developed for that industry was marketed to the inherent laziness of stoners who have an entrepreneurial spirit.

[–]Downvotesdarksouls 54.5k points54.5k points  (426 children)

My brother gave my oldest nephew 10 dollars a week if he did all his chores with out needing to be told or complaining.

One day he gets home early from work and sees. The neighbor kid tossing a bag in the trash. He asks him what he is doing and the kid says he gets 5 bucks a week to take care of a few chores.

My nephew outsourced his chores.

[–]glim10 4653 points4654 points  (135 children)

I tried doing that as a kid and got a slap on the back of the head. It was just my dad and I. We both hated doing the dishes, so they would stock pile. It got to the point where he offered to pay me $20 just to do them. Before I got around to it, we went down the road to my aunts. I ended up offering my cousin $10 if he would come over and do the dishes. He accepted. I wasnt allowed to to do that again.

[–]TannedCroissant 33.7k points33.7k points 224 (93 children)

Outsourcing and child labour? This kids destined to be a Nike CEO one day

NEPHEW IT ✔️

[–]Da_Bestest_Gamer 4331 points4332 points  (50 children)

Gotta start young

[–]AlDaBeast 1412 points1413 points  (19 children)

Now all he needs is to undercut his employee. Scare him straight by telling him the kid down the block will do it for cheaper and this quarter the numbers are lower than expected so take the pay decrease or leave.

[–]bmack24 525 points526 points  (16 children)

If he hadn’t been caught he could’ve eventually gotten a raise while paying his subordinate the same

[–]pizzaalapenguins 1008 points1009 points  (37 children)

Lol my brother was smart like this. My mom worked for Cadbury, and we each received a large batch of candy, tons of chocolate. My brother not liking sweets, decided to sell them at school. Told his teachers it was a fundraiser, so he made easily over $75. Tons of other similar things like that

[–]ScyD 1592 points1593 points  (118 children)

Water is super lazy and will literally find the easiest way to go anywhere every single time

[–]OohHeCardReadGood 1084 points1085 points  (105 children)

Wait until you learn about the path light travels through.

Light takes the path of LEAST TIME. That's not hyperbole or anything. Light will literally follow the shortest path based entirely on the time it takes to get there.

[–]mikhail_saratov 528 points529 points  (5 children)

I like the consideration for people who don't want physics spoiled for them

[–]FutureRenaissanceMan 19.1k points19.1k points  (164 children)

An engineer spent hours developing a program so they could start the coffee pot from their desk and not have to wait for coffee when arriving in the break room.

[–]mistr_k 14.5k points14.5k points  (100 children)

That's pretty much how the first web cam was created too, lazy computer engineers wanted to see if there was coffee in the pot.

[–]TannedCroissant 7780 points7781 points 2 (51 children)

I'm so unbelievably happy that this is true - https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-20439301

[–]mankymonk 2654 points2655 points  (13 children)

"It didn't vary very much," explains Dr Stafford-Fraser. "It was either an empty coffee pot, or a full one, or in more exciting moments, maybe a half-full coffee pot and then you'd have to try and guess if it was going up or down."

[–]elee0228 748 points749 points  (6 children)

Write once, run everywhere. Java must have gotten it's name from coffee-obsessed lazy engineers.

[–]Gilthoniel_Elbereth 505 points506 points  (3 children)

You’re not really wrong:

The language was initially called Oak after an oak tree that stood outside Gosling’s office. Later the project went by the name Green and was finally renamed Java, from Java coffee, the coffee from Indonesia.[25]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Java_(programming_language)#History

[–]Kompottkopf 15.1k points15.1k points  (387 children)

My ex-boss gave me an excel sheet. 124.000 rows excel sheet. Had all the company customer data per row - twice. In some of those duplicates there was an error. She needed me to go over the list one row by row to check for mistakes and mark all the faulty entries I could find. Through 124.000 rows. She wanted me to do that using the arrow-down key and my mouse.

I thanked her. I sat down. Invested half an hour into Google. Copy pasted some parts of this formula, then some parts of that. Finally I had figured out the formula. I double clicked the tiny rectangle so that the formula gets applied on all rows. Worked like a charm.

I stood up, got myself a coffee, talked to some colleagues. Then I went to my boss. She had anticipated that I would need 3 days for this task. When I was back less than an hour later, she thought I hadn't understood the task or maybe a follow up question.

I will never forget the expression on her face when I told her I was done. There were 6 faulty entries.

(A year and a half later I enrolled into computer science at university where I will finish my undergrad this summer :> )

[–]JustinTime_vz 8408 points8409 points  (115 children)

Imagine doing it their way to find 6 fucking errors

[–]potentialprimary 4250 points4251 points  (71 children)

Imagine a company having its 60000+ CRM records stored in Excel, fully duplicated, and half of that with errors.

[–]spartagnann 2958 points2959 points  (34 children)

"As you know, our students' records are stored on a Microsoft Paint file -- which I was assured, was future-proof." - The Dean

[–]Bozzaholic 352 points353 points  (16 children)

True story. A company I used to work for got a major new client (a mining company) and part of the contract was we'd take their employee data (names, telephone numbers, email addresses) in what ever format they gave us and put it in to a csv file to upload in excel.

We had a tonne of customers we did this for already and most either sent us messy excel files that could be fixed with a couple of formulas or they made the effort to try and format the data to what our system needed.

Not this customer.... they sent us everything via PNG file. It took us days to get it in to the system and the client said they didn't have it in any other format. Every week they'd send us a new staff dump to update the system and every week it was a PNG file.

[–]satoshi1022 293 points294 points  (12 children)

What if I told you, a very large aerospace and defense company has most of their recipes stored in pdf? Then what if I told you these pdf's are stored in fractured separate sharepoints depending on what building/lab you're working in.

Then if I told you how many man hours they chalk up to literally just finding the correct recipes for various products...

... I really hate my job. Please send help, everyone thinks this is normal.

[–]Skyguy21 3311 points3312 points  (124 children)

Bro your smart but not wise. Should have continued to talk to coworkers and browsed reddit with coffee for atleast another day, maybe a day and a half, then told your boss you were done, with the formula. You could have said "Yeah I spent like 8 hours the first day and another 4, today, realised there must be a better way, then spent like another 6 hours making this sick formula.

Tha way you get like 2 and a half days of just chill + all the benefits of showing your boss how capable you are with the automating things. Ofc make it seem that this automation was a one of thing, so she doesnt expect you to do it again

[–]kvw260 2154 points2155 points  (14 children)

When I first started as an analyst I took over for a series of old school guys. The first time I did something like this I was immediately called into my supervisor's office. He proceeded to explain to me if I continued to do finish things immediately how my workload would increase from higher up. We set up a plan to turn things in just a little earlier than expected. But he also told me he expected me to use the extra time to improve other things around the office, including taking online classes and learning new skills. He moved on and I, due to improved skills, advanced quickly. Best supervisor I ever had. Learned a ton of life skills from him.

[–]compman007 548 points549 points  (7 children)

That's a good boss, hey don't work too hard or you're gonna get fucked

[–]Chorcon 146 points147 points  (8 children)

I was once set to test a certain piece of equipment on a ship. The test involved attaching the unit to a reader, then run loads of command line commands. Then, one would have to make a copy of all the text, copy it into word and save it as a (real crappy looking) report. There was HUNDREDS of units, and they needed to be testet several times a year. We did about 20-30 a day. It would take several weeks to finish.

I didn't know coding at the time, but always wanted to learn it.

Within two months, I had made a program, even with a GUI (to spot faults with ease, instead of having to actually READ the reports). The program could read three units at a time, and would automatically create a smooth pdf report and save it on our server, named with serial number and date.

The job was now to attach three units, then wait for about 3 minutes, detach and attach new ones. Basically 30 seconds work, 3 minutes break. I could now test all units in a day, though I would typically spread it out over a couple more days.

When I left the company, I left the program on the test computer. I got an email from an ex colleague a few months later, saying they were using the program on several ships now. There wasn't any manual for the program, of course, but it was so straight forward that it wasn't needed.

[–]EarlyHemisphere 28.5k points28.5k points 44& 12 more (308 children)

There's a repo on Github containing code based on scripts that were used by a tech employee that his coworkers discovered after he left the company. Here's a summary of his shenanigans:

Edit: repo code is based on the story, not actually from this person

xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.

xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy"

xxx: You're gonna love this

xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login.

xxx: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help", "trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time".

xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am.

xxx: (and the oscar goes to) fucking-coffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens a telnet session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and running) and sends something like sys brew. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk.

xxx: holy sh*t I'm keeping those

[–]JT_3K 5280 points5281 points  (22 children)

I love this one. Can never find it when I want to tell someone about it though.