top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]mapagkumbaba_supreme 7336 points7337 points 33 (68 children)

Man that shirt is holding together better then any of your relationships

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 3138 points3139 points  (43 children)

It’s hanging by a thread

[–]Mr_Blott 2614 points2615 points 2 (31 children)

Like your heterosexuality

[–]Ididntexpecttobehere 1003 points1004 points  (8 children)

nah, that too comes off on laundry day. shhh!

[–]ilovepinchednips 8374 points8375 points 4232& 13 more (47 children)

You have to understand before you approach your fourth wife, that baaaaah means no

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 3149 points3150 points  (30 children)

Well this is awkward

[–]Khamvom 2706 points2707 points  (41 children)

Guy joins Navy

“Congrats! Your orders just came in, I hope you like sand”

Guy: “Oh is the base by a beach?”

“Yeah, about that...”

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 1419 points1420 points  (29 children)

The accuracy is on point

[–]Blabajif 534 points535 points  (22 children)

Join the military! See the world! Specifically these few really sandy countries way over there.

[–]orincoro 241 points242 points  (9 children)

Had a friend in the marines diplomatic security service. His 3 years were: Tokyo, Prague, and Buenos Aires. Fucking lucky bastard.

Apparently they like to send you to at least one shit place on your tour, but he got subbed out at the last minute.

[–]needsmoarbokeh 8820 points8821 points 2 (84 children)

26 and 3 divorces. You could make a living on Ted talks about how to make bad decisions

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 4505 points4506 points  (62 children)

I am actually CEO of the company

[–]Goofy-kun 1742 points1743 points  (18 children)

So your ex wives were just a part of your pyramid scheme.

[–]adudeguyman 507 points508 points  (8 children)

And just like most pyramid schemes he's on bottom all of the time

[–]spartan1008 130 points131 points  (4 children)

you know what??? I thought he looked like a bottom.....

[–]Bobone2121 671 points672 points 22 (9 children)

Selling Trump shirts out of the back of your truck doesn't make you a CEO.

[–]jklarson 98 points99 points  (4 children)

People love to say they’re the CEO when they have a small business, but if you don’t have shareholders to elect you, you aren’t a CEO.

[–]Smittit 147 points148 points  (2 children)

Bad decisions? He’s on track to become president

[–]sdrawkcaBuoYkcuF 19.1k points19.1k points 22124311382& 46 more (140 children)

Why would I make a joke about your wife or your truck? I’ve enjoyed riding both of them while your gone

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 7413 points7414 points 22 (64 children)

Gotta make sure they don’t seize up from lack of use.

[–]sdrawkcaBuoYkcuF 5049 points5050 points  (61 children)

Are they epileptic?

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 5201 points5202 points 2 (60 children)

Just my wife

[–]YasserPunch 2352 points2353 points  (38 children)

It’s like a massage for your dick

[–]sdrawkcaBuoYkcuF 1295 points1296 points  (22 children)

It’s the only way I can get her eyes to roll back in her head

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 1251 points1252 points  (20 children)

Just have to wiggle her around a bit

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 469 points470 points  (6 children)

Gotta love convulsions and the memory loss

[–]TheBulletBot 5475 points5476 points  (31 children)

upper case body

lower case head

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 3149 points3150 points 2 (14 children)

which head? Spoiler, it’s both.

[–]eliblutz 865 points866 points  (2 children)

You are a golden man. Careful it's the closest you'll ever be to money.

[–]best_names_are_gone 6531 points6532 points 2 (66 children)

It's not the three divorces that surprises me... Its the fact that you found three women with low enough self esteem in the first place

[–]sdrawkcaBuoYkcuF 1822 points1823 points  (9 children)

Do you know what day yet? Your wife said you weren’t sure last week

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 910 points911 points  (8 children)

Maybe if I let you know, you can remind her when she forgets again.

[–]sdrawkcaBuoYkcuF 1046 points1047 points 3 (6 children)

Just give me a heads up. I’ll let the dog out front so that someone’s happy to see you

[–]Detail-Infamous 300 points301 points  (8 children)

Off brand G.I Joe energy.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 240 points241 points  (5 children)

Generic is always better than the original. Cheaper and less appealing

[–]YoMamaSoWhatever 3423 points3424 points  (36 children)

Don't feel bad. Gay porn sets a lot of young men back in life

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 1427 points1428 points  (31 children)

Gotta make a living somehow.

[–]newbitstatic 760 points761 points  (22 children)

Twenty bucks is twenty bucks.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 864 points865 points  (20 children)

More like $30. How else am I going to pay for cigarettes

[–]BanCircumventionAcc 272 points273 points  (14 children)

With blowjobs?

[–]spartanass 239 points240 points  (8 children)

Anal probably

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 535 points536 points  (7 children)

Mix and match.

[–]newbitstatic 173 points174 points  (5 children)

You could make it a meal deal.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 263 points264 points  (4 children)

I already have happy hour discounts

[–]751mackdog 2979 points2980 points  (37 children)

My sister wants her shirt back. Thanks mate.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 2678 points2679 points  (34 children)

I’m keeping it. Tell her to answer my calls though.

[–]sdrawkcaBuoYkcuF 885 points886 points  (21 children)

She doesn’t have any other clothes for you to borrow and she said stop asking

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 1033 points1034 points  (20 children)

What am I supposed to do? Buy them myself?

[–]gmezzenalopes 1307 points1308 points  (9 children)

I like your funny words, desert man

[–]Lynchilada0520 72 points73 points  (0 children)

The best part of these roasts is his quick comebacks 😂😂

[–]sdrawkcaBuoYkcuF 260 points261 points  (3 children)

They don’t come with the lift kit for your pickup?

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 297 points298 points  (2 children)

That costs extra

[–]Technical_ko 70 points71 points  (0 children)

Looks like you have your mom's genes ......thick thighs and girly shoulders.

[–]Blame-It-On-The-Dog 8920 points8921 points 2273276422& 39 more (129 children)

All that time in the desert and you couldn’t even get your parents a folded flag. I can just imagine their disappointment.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 4689 points4690 points 2& 3 more (38 children)

Ooof. This has been the funniest comment by far. Maybe they’ll get one for Christmas. Jesus Christ

[–]spartanass 336 points337 points  (5 children)

You might have just gave him his flag.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 402 points403 points  (3 children)

It’s true, I am deceased

[–]Rajatbhat 613 points614 points  (20 children)

Holy hell mate!! that's not a roast that's nuclear bomb

[–]kingDaddyBigMac 1060 points1061 points 2 (11 children)

Roses are red, violets are blue; the last thing that dropped this hard, ended WWII

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 261 points262 points  (6 children)


[–]Maddad_666 707 points708 points  (28 children)

I think you skipped head day at the gym.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 888 points889 points  (25 children)

Nah my head game is strong

[–]Lg_26 634 points635 points  (13 children)

When you have caps lock on and you press shift on the first letter

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 463 points464 points  (1 child)

Yo if this a joke about my head being tiny, that was smooth as fuck.

[–]Lg_26 99 points100 points  (0 children)


[–]dolphinjuicer 424 points425 points  (17 children)

TIL male prostitution is a viable career in the desert.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 451 points452 points  (14 children)

Anything can be a career. Doesn’t mean you’re making money.

[–]Mossy590 92 points93 points  (7 children)

Its not really prostitution if you're doing it for free.

[–]profesional_amatuer 1087 points1088 points  (18 children)

Dishonorable discharge for self inflicted prolapsed anus?

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 882 points883 points  (13 children)

Who said it was self inflicted

[–]profesional_amatuer 487 points488 points  (9 children)

The same guy that called it dishonorable..

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 365 points366 points  (8 children)

I would consider it other than honorable myself

[–]SugarJuicex 1559 points1560 points  (42 children)

Gotta give credit to the OP for replying to almost every roast here.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 1491 points1492 points  (32 children)

I have nothing else to do

[–]paul_brightside 307 points308 points  (8 children)

Lol, roasting your own self

[–]Zirie 246 points247 points  (6 children)

He's funny, too. Great guy.

[–]Quircky 142 points143 points  (1 child)

A truck and three girls disagree with you, apparently.

[–]TemperedFiddleshttp://redd.it/ftgfcl 327 points328 points  (20 children)

I have boot socks senior to you. And they've been in more vaginas.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 337 points338 points  (19 children)

Your boot socks have been in vaginas? Sounds like some twisted fetish. Where do I sign up

[–]TemperedFiddleshttp://redd.it/ftgfcl 130 points131 points  (15 children)

Nearest barracks rat.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 157 points158 points  (13 children)

No rats out here. Only scorpions

[–]Mr_Klazakizov 146 points147 points  (12 children)

but can i make PTSD jokes?

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 395 points396 points  (11 children)

You act like I’ve actually done something during my deployment

[–]Mr_Klazakizov 129 points130 points  (7 children)

Just like me in school or in my sexual life

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 225 points226 points  (4 children)

Just join the military and get paid to do it

[–]YasserPunch 671 points672 points  (22 children)

There are worse things at 26... like 3 times divorced oh wait nvm

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 457 points458 points  (20 children)

One for each deployment

[–]Aedyn-Guexhttp://redd.it/avwvss 212 points213 points  (4 children)

Oof, well you could name each deployment after wife like historians name time periods after the dynasties that ruled them, like back in “Rebecca deployment” lol

[–]Mercenary_Chefhttp://redd.it/hve0p3 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Operation Kelly was brutal, man.

[–]IRooman 299 points300 points  (4 children)

Did your wifes boyfriend approve on the truck purchase tho?

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 442 points443 points  (2 children)

I’ll buy whatever I want with my own money! Just don’t tell him I said that.

[–]Aedyn-Guexhttp://redd.it/avwvss 60 points61 points  (0 children)

Lol good man

[–]Leviathan41911 1745 points1746 points  (19 children)

I would like thank thank you for your service.

I'd also like to thank your ex wife for her "services".

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 1280 points1281 points 2 (14 children)

She does a lot of great things for the community

[–]Akrevics 399 points400 points  (13 children)

Mmkay, Ross? You don't have to marry every girl that pays attention to you

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 310 points311 points  (10 children)

I want to make a joke about bones and paleontology but I can’t figure it out 🤷‍♂️

[–]AreYouHereToKillMe 224 points225 points  (4 children)

Knuckle down hard enough and you'll think of a humerus one.

[–]tiny_alien 613 points614 points  (30 children)

Hell where do i start? the eye that’s still in the desert ? the shirt you stole from a baby r us? the fact your one thigh is bigger than your entire body?

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 608 points609 points  (25 children)

Thick thighs save lives.

[–]tiny_alien 227 points228 points  (19 children)

unless it’s your pants. those are struggling to survive

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 265 points266 points  (18 children)

Who needs circulation. It’s overrated

[–]tiny_alien 129 points130 points  (16 children)

just like your job.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 256 points257 points  (14 children)

My job is absolutely not overrated. I’m fighting for freedom! Or that’s what they tell me

[–]tiny_alien 274 points275 points  (10 children)

your arms are the only thing fighting for freedom

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 184 points185 points  (8 children)

Boosts my failing self confidence

[–]tiny_alien 90 points91 points  (7 children)

too bad it’s not helping your failing performance. your three ex wives can agree.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 139 points140 points  (6 children)

They have meetings every other Sunday if you want to join

[–]NutellaWaffles666 124 points125 points  (3 children)

You look like Rami Malek if he encountered a genie that made him buff at the expense of the size of his head.

[–]damo251 368 points369 points  (10 children)

I thought army food was supposed to be crap? You seemed to have no problem chowing it down.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 345 points346 points  (4 children)

I like food and divorces 🤷‍♂️

[–]elfenlied2 109 points110 points  (3 children)

I guess you didn't know about consummation.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 287 points288 points  (2 children)

Is that a new protein powder?

[–]Fruccus 56 points57 points  (0 children)

Your responses are like your ex-wives. Numerous and making fun of you.

Seriously though, most of your replies are better than the roasts!

[–]damatos0130 99 points100 points  (4 children)

Hey man. Sorry about the three divorces but cheer up you'll find the man for you yet.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 115 points116 points  (2 children)

He’s out there somewhere

[–]Hrafnkol 94 points95 points  (1 child)

You'll be back in time.for #4 to take your truck

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 77 points78 points  (0 children)

God I hope not. She can keep it.

[–]reddit0096 95 points96 points  (1 child)

Hunch back of desert storm

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I have awful posture

[–]sdrawkcaBuoYkcuF 177 points178 points  (4 children)

Why is your head so small?

Nvm, you just explained it

[–]CT-2947 697 points698 points  (18 children)

You live a lifestyle like: HEY GUYS I DO THE DIVORCE CHALLENGE! For every divorce I spend one year in the desert!

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 558 points559 points  (15 children)

This was good. Would be better if you could spell challenge.

[–]NeitherManufacturerhttp://redd.it/fc7h4i 77 points78 points  (1 child)

Symmetry face filter.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 156 points157 points  (0 children)

My head is shaped like a Lima bean.

[–]Extension-Season-689http://redd.it/j5hksf 67 points68 points  (7 children)

You look like the human version of the Gorgonites.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 148 points149 points  (5 children)

Don’t think I’m old enough to know what that means. I’ll just consider myself roasted.

[–]Memory_Low 135 points136 points  (5 children)

Your arms scream domestic violence

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 199 points200 points  (4 children)

No. They’re screaming from lack of blood supply

[–]glitch-glitch 38 points39 points  (3 children)

Not the only thing screaming of lack of blood supply

Get that 10% disability for erectile dysfunction

[–]educated-emu 66 points67 points  (2 children)

Your like a fat Herman Munster, you hit the gym after 3 marriages for self improvement but failed because whats the point when you have the aerodynamic properties of a hockey puck.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 87 points88 points  (1 child)

I consider myself more of a whiffle ball because of all the holes

[–]Bwurst11 58 points59 points  (3 children)

I thought this guy blew his brains out in a movie

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 95 points96 points  (2 children)

No that was my buddy

[–]S_Robinson 59 points60 points  (1 child)

Divorced three times before 26? Hope you’re better at picking majors than picking spouses.

[–]voluntarypisseroffer 113 points114 points  (0 children)

Great tits.

[–]nooseknight23 51 points52 points  (1 child)

Hey it's your brother, the one with the colorful sleeve and nose ring. A bit disappointed to see this on me feed, here I was hoping I'd get a knock on my door and a folded flag instead. Oh well, not to worry. I've met your wife and I know what a mediocre life you're gonna lead back home. Don't worry, I'll be there for you when you realize that, just like when you decided to join the military, college is too hard for you and you drop out. Im sure you'll make a great assistant manager at the gas station though 😊

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

Fucking Christ. Roast me harder daddy 💦

[–]BarkleSpeef 43 points44 points  (3 children)

I'm sure your 4th wife will be disappointed that it won't be in a body bag.

Maybe 5th wife might strike lucky?

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 92 points93 points  (0 children)

Gotta get that SGLI money. Jokes on them, my mom is the recipient.

[–]SwampoO 39 points40 points  (7 children)

You might be better off staying in the desert

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 85 points86 points  (6 children)

Probably not. 3yrs and I didn’t even get a decent tan.

[–]xch3f 40 points41 points  (8 children)

Goombas from the mario bro movies fighting for us.

[–]ForBlooD 43 points44 points  (1 child)

Thank you for your service for my oil company!

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

Anything for America 🇺🇸

[–]oxygenparody 41 points42 points  (3 children)

You look like a poor man's John Cena.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)


[–]sicksadsam 112 points113 points  (3 children)

Nice blur job on those bits of background..pity you didnt go all in and do us a favour by just blurring everything else in this pic

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 88 points89 points  (1 child)

Have to have my ugly face on display for the roast

[–]knuckleDusterDelight 70 points71 points  (8 children)

I was going to say, 3 years in the desert must of been rough. But your in the Navy, so you probably didn't do anything.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 89 points90 points  (4 children)

Nothing important anyway

[–]knuckleDusterDelight 61 points62 points  (2 children)

Are you the type of seaman that gets swallowed or spat out?

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 94 points95 points  (1 child)

Depends on what the galley is serving

[–]Jordanphim 37 points38 points  (1 child)

when your 3 ex-wives said they wanted a new and fresh man, that isn't what they meant

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Probably why they moved on

[–]larryofkshttp://redd.it/cg0w07 37 points38 points  (3 children)

THREE divorces?! you’re 26!

and I’m sure you’re betting on wife number four to be some good 19 year old in your freshman lecture who thinks a man in uniform is hot and mature. yikes!

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

19?! That’s a bit young. I’ll settle for 20

[–]Its_Nduati 117 points118 points  (9 children)

You can legally get married to farm animals in the middle east nowadays?

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 130 points131 points  (8 children)

Brand new rule. Prefer camels myself.

[–]profesional_amatuer 31 points32 points  (3 children)

Someone's going from army cock fetish to freshman dick clique

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 33 points34 points  (2 children)

What’s wrong with both at once

[–]TrueomegaJF 31 points32 points  (9 children)

3 divorces at 26.

8 possible years to get married.

That means each marriage lasted for an average of 2.6... years AT THE MOST POSSIBLE.

Let’s remove about 2 months each marriage for the divorce proceedings. You’re at ≈ 2.45 years each marriage.

I’m assuming you didn’t marry someone as soon as you met them, so I’m removing 6 months in between marriages. ( if it’s the same woman 3 times, the 6 months still work because it’d probably take at least 6 months for her to change her mind) You’re at ≈1.95 Years.

You’re in the military, or atleast that’s what I assume by “in the desert”. There’s likely many days where you couldn’t go out to meet a new woman, having to stay on base. This obviously depends on your rank and what division of the army you’re in, but I’m going to round to deducting 4 months between marriages where you either couldn’t meet a new woman, but only if it’s different women. We won’t count those months if it was the same woman 3 times.

So X = { 1.95, or 1.62 }

Did I get close or what? (Sorry this isn’t much of a roast I just saw 3 divorces 8 year and the math didn’t add up in my head)

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 39 points40 points  (2 children)

Sir, you are doing way to much. I appreciate the amount of thought and effort put into this though.

[–]the-big-fish-pool 136 points137 points  (4 children)

The eyes of a man who’s seen more gay porn then live action in a theatre of war..

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 186 points187 points  (2 children)

Why watch when you can participate

[–]TriDad262 76 points77 points  (1 child)

I see “Don’t ask. Don’t tell.” is still a thing.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 80 points81 points  (0 children)

Absolutely, I won’t tell if you don’t

[–]Sl1ppin_Jimmy 28 points29 points  (2 children)

If I bought you a camaro would you stay over there for another 3 years?

[–]DominoEfct1 25 points26 points  (2 children)

Perfect example of a jarhead poge, you’ll get a service medal for staying behind wire on base burning shit barrels, fixing 10yr old coms, practicing digging graves, and fantasizing over what jodies will do to your next ex wife... but atleast your Tahoe will protect you from being able to pick up anything but a hoe...

[–]Jhyts 28 points29 points  (2 children)

Everything about you is perfect. You are going to fit right in here at Target.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

But the deals!

[–]marklonesome 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Jean Claude van dumb

[–]Leviathan41911 24 points25 points  (2 children)

All jokes aside OP is a savage with those comebacks, good job.

[–]Splattacular1 64 points65 points  (7 children)

Looks like the type of dude who, when they told you you’re getting “honorably discharge”, you immediately went to see a doctor about it. Don’t feel bad about the 3 divorces. That’s normal because dumbasses like you marry whores who are just trying to get out of their shitty hometown. You look like you still have 2 more divorces in you once you get into Civilian life and meet all these “Super Whores” out here who only care about riding in your 40k car and clicks.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 82 points83 points  (6 children)

Can confirm, all ex wives were whores

[–]Splattacular1 41 points42 points  (4 children)

I’m also ex military, so you were easy. Lol!! Study hard Brother.

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 71 points72 points  (3 children)

Absolutely, I didn’t spend 4yrs doing this for free college to throw it away

[–]SilasS3108 21 points22 points  (5 children)

Your head looks awefully asymmetrical to your body...like waaay to small

[–]devildiphttp://redd.it/jdc4dm[S] 51 points52 points  (4 children)

It’s a new weapon system they’re testing. The head shrink ray

[–]Hakneger 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Did they aim it at your fucking ears too long then?